Saturday, April 17, 2010


I absolutely love this bush. It signifies to me many of which is healing.

Derek and I picked this bush out when I was pregnant with Wyatt. I remember the day very well. I was sooooo nauseated and was trying not to throw up while walking around the garden center. We needed to pick out some bushes for our yard and it had to be done that day. I remember seeing these beautiful flowers and decided I wanted this bush to enjoy each spring. We ended up getting two of them and buying a metal arch for them to grow over. I was so excited to see what it would look like the next year.

Well, little did I know a year later I would be in the depths of grief just trying to survive day by day. That the baby that I was carrying that day would be gone from my arms. I remember very clearly looking at these beautiful flowers a few weeks after Wyatt's death and remember feeling nothing. Grief can do that to you. It's hard to describe but it was almost like living in a fog and nothing brought joy. I remember wondering if I would ever think those flowers would be pretty again...I wondered if I would feel joy ever again looking at those things I enjoyed before Wyatt died. I remember seeing sunsets and wondering if they would ever be pretty to me again. Nothing seemed enjoyable. I remember asking my heart group if I would ever enjoy these things again and one of the ladies that was further down the road of grief told me I would. I didn't believe it. I had a huge void in my life and everything just seemed so trivial. I really worried that this is how the rest of my life would be. How could I ever be happy or find joy again without Wyatt physically with me?

Well, I have to testify that it is possible. It's taken 2 long years but I feel moments of joy again. I can look at these beautiful flowers and get excited at their beauty. So, for those out there that may be in the depths of grief there is hope. Hope that it does get a little better. That life can be good again. Though my arms continue to ache and I continue to have hard moments when that grief hits me, I feel like I'm finally at a point where I can enjoy things again. Wyatt will never be forgotten. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about him countless times. I ache for him and I cry for him but I'm also learning how to live again. I'm learning that there can be joy again and that, that joy can be greater than it was before. Like I've said many times once you've been through the bitter the sweet seems even better. These flowers signify to me that there is sweetness in life and that those simple things in life can bring joy to us if we allow them to. So when I see these flowers I see healing...something I wondered would ever happen.

With that said I know I will continue to have moments, days, weeks and maybe months where the grief will hit. That is what grief is all about. It's hard! I wish I didn't know about this. I wish Wyatt was still in my arms to hold and love. But I do know that someday he will be. I think one of the things I miss the most is not being able to nurse him. That was our time together...our one on one time and I ache for that again. Not sure how things will be in the Millennium but I do believe I will be compensated for those things that have been taken from me. Until then I'm trying my best to live the life I need to live. To try and find joy in living and do the best I can each day. Here are a few pictures I took this week of my favorite bush.

Flowers not quite out yet.

I just needed to throw in a picture of this cute kid. Many people would mistake him for a girl. I think because he was just so dang cute. Love you Wyatt...miss you more than anything in this world!


Eileen said...

Beautiful words. Beautiful photos. I'm so happy that part of your heart is healing. And I'm so happy you have found some JOY! I'm almost old enough to be your mom, yet you have taught me so much.

Melissa said...

It's great that you have so many reminders of Wyatt around your home. I love all of your beautiful pictures!

Julie said...

What a beautiful bush! And a perfect post about healing! I am so glad you are able to feel Joy at times...I know it can't be easy! You are truly amazing! Thanks for this post!