Monday, August 3, 2009

Poem that says it all

I Lost My Child Today

by Netta Wilson, 1996

I lost my child today.
People came to weep and cry,
As I just sat and stared, dry eyed.
They struggled to find words to say,
To try and make the pain go away,
I walked the floor in disbelief,
I lost my child today.

I lost my child last month.
Most of the people went away,
Some still call and some still stay.
I wait to wake up from this dream.
This can't be real. I want to scream.
Yet everything is locked inside,
God, help me, I want to die.
I lost my child last month.

I lost my child last year.
Now people who had come, have gone.
I sit and struggle all day long.
To bear the pain so deep inside.
And now my friends just question, Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song.
Good heavens, it has been so long.
I lost my child last year.

Time has not moved on for me.
The numbness it has disappeared.
My eyes have now cried many tears.
I see the look upon your face,
"She must move on and leave this place."
Yet I am trapped right here in time,
The songs the same, as is the rhyme,
I lost my child......Today.

A friend sent me this poem last week, one that knows all of this all too well. I just needed to post it because it's says things as it mostly is. I don't feel like everyone is like what is said above but I do sense this feeling that people feel by now that I should have moved on. Those that have lost a child or someone very close to you will understand. Though the grief is not there as much as it was a year ago for me it still comes. Yesterday it hit me. Those lost dreams seem to take me under at moments I don't plan on. So I cry and feel and try to do the best I can. I was reading in a book a few weeks ago and came across something I had underlined probably a year ago. It's from "Jesus Wept" by Joyce and Dennis Ashton they said:

"Crying is not the only way that we show emotion or grieve; however, it seems to
be beneficial both physically and emotionally. It's been reported that
tears shed during grief have more toxins than do regular tears. Tears actually
can be healing." Nearly three centuries ago, Dr. Samuel Johnson wrote:
"Sorrow that hath no vent in tears, maketh the organs of the body weep."
Another quote I had underlined:

"Mourning for our loss does not necessarily mean we are weak or that we
have lost our faith. Grieving, crying and feeling pain for our situation is
not conclusive evidence that we don't have sufficient faith or are weak.
We can believe in God, life after death, and all the truths of the gospel and
still experience profound pain, grief and sadness in our mortal

I really liked both of these quotes. I feel they are true. I do not cry all the time. I just have moments now here and there that it will hit me and I let those emotions out. I feel like I take 2 steps forward and then a few steps back. It's a life long process I feel I will continue to have to go through. Until Wyatt is in my arms again I will continue to miss him and ache for him and have moments when the grief takes me under. I guess knowing that helps me in a way. I accept those moments and do what I have to do to make it through them. I have learned to not judge what people are going through in their lives. I have learned to not try and fix people and tell them what they need to do but just listen and try to be as supportive and as loving as I can. Yes, I'm learning from this this trial in my life but if I were asked if I wanted to learn these things I would say no. I would so much rather have my baby back in my arms.


Jill said...

I love you Andrea! I love your honesty through this struggle, your courage, your faith, and your example. You are such a strength to me and I hope you know how much I appreciate you and look up to you.

I applaude you for hurting and learning through the hurt. It's real. It's honest. It's healthy. Keep hurting when you hurt. Know that I'm still praying for you. I'm here WHENEVER you need me.

I continue to pray that you'll somehow know throughout the day every time I think of little Wyatt. It happens OFTEN and I treasure those moments.

Lots of love.

Rachel Doyle said...

The poem says it all - People who haven't lost a child really don't understand the feelings of those who have. I know it's been really difficult for me as my child died 10 minutes after birth -- because of this I have actually had people say to me that they don't even think about him or that we even have another child as they never got to meet. His birthday/death date is always very difficult because no one bothers to call or even acknowledge his life. It been almost 3 years now and I still find myself crying at weird times and over weird things. So I guess what I am getting at is - that I don't think we ever get over our sons and the dreams we had for them. We learn to deal with the emotions better - but there is always a hole in our hearts.

{ Bethany } said...

Thank you so much...I have been editing a post for the last couple of weeks about this exact same thing. 1 year is approaching too fast and I can already start to feel others' impatience. Deep down I know, *I know*, that my grieving process is normal...but then the judgement from others starts to penetrate through my defences and I start to doubt myself and get so sad and angry! Knowing that you are in the same place, feeling the same way, helps so much. (I'm not crazy!!!) I'm going to repost some of these things on Gavin's blog, too!

Natalie said...

He is such a cute little guy! I love you both so much. The other day we were out in our garden and I looked to see where Jake was and I found him running and playing with a little white butterfly. It was a special moment for me because I know that is what they would be doing right now. Jake and Wyatt running and playing. We miss Wyatt greatly and I hope you know how thankful I am for your example to me. I know the moments of grief hit you hard but know that we still think of little Wyatt all the time and he is missed by other too. We love your family. said...

This is a tribute not only to the Maganes in Rothley Leicester city but also for a very dear friend Jacquie Walker from Loughborough Leicestershire, son Tom Walker, whom she lost to bone cancer at age 18. Jacquie works for LCC vulnerable children social services and she is one of the most caring professional person I have had the pleasure to work with. I admire her fortitude in her slow recovery from losing one of her sons to this little known cancers and the strength of her relationship with her husband and family members. Her family and friends did a bikeride and raised several thousand pounds in Tom's name locally but more research, local government funding and awareness of this type of cancer is needed. As a parent I can't think of anything worse than losing a child so for all families suffering from this loss my prayers are with you and for more support internationally for these little known cancers through Jesus Christ Lord of all creation now and forever amen xxx