Sunday, May 3, 2009

Little brother...lost dreams

I have been really busy lately. I haven't had much time to blog. Thanks to so many for the sweet birthday wishes on Friday. I had a really nice day spent with family and friends. Thanks Leanne for the was wonderful. Thanks everyone for remembering me. I have such an amazing husband and I'm so grateful I got to spend the day with him. He is so good to me. He even made breakfast with the kids and brought it to me in bed. Thank you sweetie!

It's hard on those days of celebration to not wonder what it would be like if Wyatt were still here. My heart aches to think of the things we are missing out on...especially my other kids. They will never be the ages that they are right now again. Which means they will never be 12, 9 and 4 years old and have a little brother to enjoy. They will most likely be adults in the Millennium with their own children. Hayley the other day was telling me how much she wanted to hold Wyatt again and to carry him around. She wants to be that older sister to her little brother but will never get that chance as a 4 year old. She wants to give him hugs and kisses but can't. Emily wants to tend and take care of her little brother and continue to be his 2nd mom but can't anymore. Tyler would love to be able to play with Wyatt and teach him new things but that has been taken from him. I don't know how all of that will work out but right now it hurts my heart to think of what Tyler, Emily and Hayley are missing out on along with Derek and I. It's just such a hard thing to have to go through. The "what ifs" are hard. I'm sure there are people out there that would say...just don't think of those "what ifs" but it's easier said than done. I think a lot of things are easier said than done. I think it's human nature to wonder what things would be like in the perfect world. I continue to ache for my baby...I think I will do that until the day I die. Until then I'm trying so hard to cherish those moments I have with my husband and other kids. I am doing the best I can with the heavy heart that is inside me. Here are some pictures of Tyler, Emily and Hayley enjoying being the older brother and sisters to Wyatt. How will the loss of their little brother be made up to them? I do not know. Hopefully some how and in some way, compensation will come to them.


~plaid said...

This is one of those questions I also have that is so confusing to me. If God is merciful, and the answer people give me of how a merciful God is okay with a mother's heart aching so much is that we will get to have them again, get to raise them again -- well, then what about a merciful God and our other children. Our youngest never had the chance to even meet Dominic or Bridget in mortality. And I do hope that the rest of my children do grow to maturity before they die. So it is a real dilemma in my mind of how God is just and merciful and loving and how that God I know is going to make it all right in the end.

Along the same lines, what about children who are kidnapped by their father and raised to maturity? What will that mother have in the eternities to make up for her loss? What about a mother who dies and her children are raised here to maturity without her? The last question sometimes is quieted with the original question because I can imagine somehow the presence of a mother's spirit helping to tend to her children who are still in mortality, and so therefore she is still able to raise those children but from a higher sphere. And so I think about how perhaps Dominic and Bridget are also still a part of our family, literally, but in a higher sphere and that someday our children will gladly have traded these years of cuddling and rivaling for the interactions they have that their mortal eyes are unaware of. But there are still too many questions without logical answers. And none can satisfy the aching of our tangible beings to have our little ones with us in a tangible world. That is what we must endure.

Jen said...

Oh Andrea I know! You knwo how much I've agonized over my children not knowing Luke. I guess we just have to trust the Lord will make it right. Elder Wirthlin's quote about compensation will apply to our children as well. Ooh, the loss for our childrn is one of the hardest parts. :(

Jill said...

Such good and beautiful children you have. I love those pictures Andrea. It is so unfair, but I know somehow that it will all be made up and right to them...and to you.

The Garner Gang said...

I love to see the pictures of your family, my heart aches for you, push ahead. I wake each morning now hoping for a brighter day and a brighter tomorrow after that. The thought that someday this life will seem a little easier keeps me going.
Much Love,
(Rhiannnon and Loughlin's mom forever)

Natalie said...

It really makes me sad to think about the loss you and your family are going through. I just remember how much Ty wanted a brother and it hurts my heart that he was only here for such a short time. I know God will remember you and YOUR kids. He is a just and merciful God and he loves you all so much. I'm excited to see you guys this weekend. You are coming up for Manda's shower right?
Love ya

carolyn q said...

I cry for no only my lost dreams but your lost dreams too.
I have have often wondered how diffent my boys would be if they had their older sister here physically watching over them since they were born after her passing.
Lastnight we got some of our video of her and watched it (something I haven't done for years because it's so hard). It was the first time Cole had seen it and as we watched with tears in our eyes we also watched our boys expressions, which was a very humbling experience. Though they didn't get to know her here on earth, there is no doubt that my boys both know HER in a very spiritual sense!
I hope you had a great b-day. I look forward to meeting up with you soon.

larsen family said...

I also have a hard time not thinking of the What if's,s much easier said than done. I too ache for my girls that long to have Kamber to play with. I talk all the time how much fun she was and that they miss her so much. Knowing that our children hurts makes it hurt all the more for us as parents, doesn't it. Thinking of you and your little ones.

Jen (Angel Kamber's Mommy)

D-9 said...

You have beautiful children, and I love to hear my children talk about their little brother... it hurts but I love that they think of him often and can't wait to hold him again.
Much love~

Nathan Gedge said...

I just hate it too, but I ask "what if" all the time. It probably isn't healthy or good but I do it. I understand the siblings never being the same ages again and not having that experience with their little brother. Jackson asks all the time why he can't have a brother here. It breaks my heart to see how sad he is. But I know that the sweet baby I held 2 years ago will and always be my baby boy. I just try to focus on living and loving my 3 kiddos until I get that special 1 on 1 time with my little boy. Thanks for sharing your post.