Monday, March 2, 2009

Heavy Heart/Butterflies

My heart has had some heavy moments today. My heart aches for the Gledhill's as they have had to say goodbye to their sweet little Gracie today. It's hurts to know that they will have to travel the long road of grief and sorrow. I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. It has also brought back the memories of almost a year ago. The decision to take Wyatt off life support and put our complete trust in the Lord was comforting but also heart wrenching.

The change of weather is bringing some of those feelings of a year ago back to me. The plum trees are now showing their blossoms which means it's getting closer to that day we laid Wyatt to rest. It was such a beautiful spring day with the trees popping out with abundant color and beauty. My heart aches to think it's been almost a year since we had to say goodbye and I still long to have him back in my life. The grief is still there. As Elder Russell M. Nelson says: "The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life" I will forever love my Wyatt so until he is in my arms again there will always be a degree of sorrow in my life. Wyatt's absence in our lives is still felt each and every day.

I continue to struggle with many aspects of grief, life and the emotions attached to it all. I'm learning more and more each week as we have faced different difficult situations that life is just plain hard. And I've struggled lately with how unfair it all is. I continue to take one day at a time because that is all I can do right now. I'm hoping that I will become refined from the trials of this life and not bitter. It's a constant battle I face each day.

I'm still clinging onto the hope of the resurrection when I get to have my little boy again in my arms. And the gratitude I feel in my heart for my Savior for taking the sting of death away from me is beyond description.

For Wyatt's angel day or graduation day next week we are going to release butterflies. Butterflies have been such a tender mercy to me and our family this past year. I've stated this before but when they moved Wyatt into his final room there was a butterfly on the door. I wondered why there would be a butterfly on his door since he was a boy but I also knew that everyone in PICU knew what we were going through because I could see it in their eyes. That is the way they let everyone know that he is leaving this life and moving onto the next. So, since his passing I've had some very distinctive moments with butterflies that I've known Wyatt is aware of me and what I'm feeling and going through. So I thought it would be a neat thing for my kids to watch caterpillars turn into butterflies and then we would release them on Wyatt's angel day next week. We already have 2 butterflies with 3 more in their chrysalis's. Hopefully, we can keep them alive for another week and 1/2 so we can release them on his angel day. I can't believe I even have a day like this to have to go through. A part of me just wants to stay home all day and cry but then a part of me wants to celebrate the wonderful almost 6 months we had with our sweet little boy. He has graduated into that next stage of existence. That day a year ago truly was the most spiritual day of my life! And on the other hand it was the most heart wrenching and sad days I have ever experienced.

Tonight I was reading a book by Russell M. Nelson and there was a paragraph I loved. He is talking about children dying: This is what he said:

"Parents who have surrendered the sweetest and smallest flowers from the
family's garden need to remember our Heavenly Father. He has promised a special
reward to those who now suffer in silence, who spend long days and longer nights
through their trying times of bereavement. Our Creator has promised glory. He said, "For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but nigh at hand." (D&C 58:4) That promised glory includes the blessing of reunion with each child who has left the family circle to help surviving members of the family to draw nearer to God. Those children still live and are a heritage to the Lord."
Oh, the long days and the longer nights I know all too well. I feel Wyatt is helping our little family draw nearer to God. We miss the smallest flower from our family garden but we know we will have him again and what a marvelous time that will be.

Just needed to add one of my favorite pictures of our sweet little Wyatt.


Marc and Megan said...

I really love that quote by Elder Nelson - so sweet. I never tire of seeing pictures of Wyatt... there really is something so special about the look in his eyes. I'm so sorry for the anniversaries that you're facing right now. I can only imagine how it must be to relive all the panic and pain that you felt a year ago. It isn't fair. And, it totally sucks. Even though you know he's in a good place, it's still so hard. I just hope you know that you're not alone through those long, dark nights. I'm thinking of you and praying for extra comfort to be your companion in the coming days.

Tina said...

My heart aches for you. Thank you so much for sharing your story and those beautiful pics of your gorgeous little man.

I feel blessed to be able to read your blog.

larsen family said...

Oh, how I relate to your words. It is just plain hard. I also cling to those words of Elder Maxwell. I am sending hugs to you throughout this next week and a half.
Jen (Angel Kamber's Mommy)

Jill said...

I love you Andrea! I love you Wyatt!

neener said...

You are such a wonderful woman. I am so glad I know you. I just finished watching that video on youtube "perfect Love" it is a lovely song, I had never heard it before. Thanks to you I am having a better day. You really bring in the spirit. Take care.
Lots of love

Miss Molly said...

March 13th...I can't believe it. Time really does march on..friend or foe. In our case, it is both, isn't it? Friend because it takes us closer to our dear children, and foe because it is taking us away from when we were together on earth with them.

I hope to see you again soon. You and wyatt are both beautiful in every way.

Natalie said...

What amazing quotes. I love and miss you lots. I'll be praying for you and yours. That is my favorite picture of Wyatt. It's one of the pictures that were in the last email you sent me before Wyatt passed.

Angela said...

Thank you for your open heart for us to come in and be a part of. I will be thinking of you and sending prayers your way as you, your husband and children remember and celebrate the life of your beautiful flower, Wyatt! wonderful!
(Evan from Heaven's mom)

taguefamily said...

I really think that you are amazing in how you are able to share your feelings in such powerful words. Everything that you share touches me to my very core. I know that you have been able to help so many people grow to be closer to our Heavenly Father. Wyatt had to have known that you would be able to use this trail to carry on his mission that is still apart of this earth. It has been threw you that he has still been able to still teach so many. That is a great honner, Our prayers are with you and your family. Gidget