Sunday, March 29, 2009

Spring break/Geography Bee/Dance competition

A year ago during our spring break was the week Wyatt died. When I hear the words "spring break" I get a sick feeling inside because of all the memories of a year ago. Emily still comments on how Wyatt ruined our spring break. This year I wanted to try and make it a fun and memorable one since the last one wasn't at all what we had planned. So we filled up the days with lots of activities such as hiking, biking, camping, swimming, we went to movies and out to eat a few times. There were butterflies with us on all the hiking and biking excursions. Which was a tender mercy for me. I think it was a fun and enjoyable week for me, Derek and the kids. But the fun has to end and life has to continue on. It was hard for me this past week to get back into the regular schedule without the kids around. I love having them with me. I had grief hit me again with full force and it literally knocked me down. It was like the first few months. I miss my Wyatt and I miss the life I had before he died. Luckily the grief doesn't stay as long as it use to but I'm often reminded that it's still there. The emotions if not let out will build up and they have to eventually get out. A week of spring break with not too much thinking or feeling caught up to me. How do you get over a loss such as this? You don't. You learn to cope and deal with it. Then there are days like this past week that you feel like you are back to day one and starting all over. It's almost like I tripped and fell down the mountain that I've been climbing and working so hard to get to the top of and now I have to pick myself up again and try to keep climbing. That mountain seems to be such a steep, steep one and on those days of grief it seems unbearable. But now that I've been climbing that mountain for 12 months at least I know what to expect and in a way that is helpful. This week I had to turn to those mom's that know what this is all about and they gave me the hope and encouragement I needed. How grateful I am for them.
On Friday Tyler attended his second District Geography Bee. He took second place at his school and was able to move onto district. I'm so proud of him. He studied so hard and did it all by himself. Tyler would get up each morning around 5:30am to practice world geography which was the emphasis this year. He worked so hard to learn so much information. He ended up making it to the final round and took second place. The final round is "current events" which is something you can't really study for and since we don't watch the news he had a disadvantage. He got the first 2 questions right but the third he didn't know. I was so proud of my boy and how hard he has worked to achieve this accomplishment. I'm especially at awe with what he accomplished a year ago. The school geography bee was the week after spring break. Which means it was the week after Wyatt died. As we were planning for Wyatt's funeral the most logical time was the day of the geography bee. We couldn't not let Tyler participate in this because he had studied so hard. That is what he had been doing for months and practiced at the hospital while waiting to know what would happen with Wyatt. So, we decided to push Wyatt's funeral back one day and let Tyler do the school Geography bee. I was amazed that he could even remember everything he had studied. I was amazed that he could do so well knowing it would be his brothers funeral the next day. He had just suffered one of the greatest losses he could experience but he nailed it and won the school bee. He then got the opportunity to go to the district geography bee and he ended up taking second place one week after Wyatt's funeral. Again the "current event's" got to him. Tyler is an amazing kid. We feel so blessed that he is a part of our life. Way to go Tyler...we are so proud of you!
After the geography bee we went to Emily's dance competition. She did such a great job. Her dance team took 1st place on each of their dances and took 1st place overall. She was nervous to dance in front of judges for the first time but she did a great job and we are so proud of her. Way to go Emily!
Here are a few pictures from these events.

2nd place at the District Geography Bee

Zion's National Park--spring break

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Spring Flowers

Photo shoot in my backyard today....

Moses 3:5: "And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew. For I, the Lord God, created all things of which I have spoken, spiritually, before they were naturally upon the face of the earth."

I read a book a few months after Wyatt died called "The Message." It's about a man that was able to experience the spirit world while his body was in a coma on earth. I gained comfort from this book. There was an especially interesting part that has influenced the way I look and enjoy I feel that this experience goes along with the above scripture. This is what he said:

"We began to walk down a pathway lined with various flowers and foliage. I
stopped to look closer to these beautiful plants. I knelt and gently touched the
petals and greenery. I felt a surge within me, as if these creations were
seeking to say to my soul, "We, too, are creations of God. We have sought with
diligence to create beauty and splendor of celestial magnitude. Have we done so?
Have we filled your heart with joy in seeing us? Have we not fulfilled the
measure of our creation?" And I wanted to say back to them, "Oh, yes. Be at
peace. You have given me great joy. Truly you have sought and fulfilled your
purpose. " Love was being radiated by them. "How is it possible?" I thought.
Then immediately the understanding came into my mind saying, "These are all my
creations, as are you. They each have a spirit, as do you, yet theirs are
different from those of mankind. They are completely content as plant life, as
are my animals. The purpose of their creation is different from your creation.
And as they fulfill that measure of their creation, they receive a fullness of
joy. There is order in all things of my kingdom. " The words were truth, and
love filled me. All plants and animals are God's creations and He loves them. I
gained a much greater respect and love for them at that moment."

Since reading that book I have looked at flowers differently. I guess I had never thought of flowers being created spiritually first. I have gained more respect for these beautiful creations. I knew that they brought beauty to my life and I have experienced joy from them but I guess now it seems to be more meaningful to me. I want to fulfill their purpose in their creation. I liked the question that was presented to this man..."Have we filled your heart with joy in seeing us?" I have to say today while enjoying the flowers in our backyard I could definitely say yes to that question. They are quite amazing if you look at them close enough. I'm finding that the simple things of life can bring us great amounts of joy. Each time I take time to notice a flower or some creation on this earth(butterflies etc.) I know without a shadow of a doubt that Heavenly Father loves me and has given me these things to enjoy. I want the flowers to fulfill their measure of their creation by bringing joy to me. Which in a way is a challenging thing, with the grief always lingering there.

On a side note, I have read many other books about people that have been able to experience the spirit world and almost all of them talk about how beautiful it is there. Brother Jedediah M. Grant who was a counselor to Brigham Young had such an experience. This is what he said about the flowers in the spirit world.

"In regards to gardens, says Grant, "I have seen good gardens on this earth, but
I never saw any to compare with those that were there. I saw flowers of
numerous kinds, and some with from fifty to a hundred different colored flowers
growing upon one stalk."
Oh, I can only imagine how beautiful that must be. I guess in a way it comforts me to know that Wyatt gets to enjoy that right now. So, today I decided to go and take some pictures of the tulips in our garden and then some of the other flowers in our backyard. I've also added some of the pictures I took of the flowers my friend Jen sent me. I'm finding out more and more how much I enjoy taking pictures. These flowers brought me a measure of joy today.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

A year ago today...

A year ago today was Wyatt's funeral and burial. I can't believe I even have a day like this to remember. Though it was beyond sad it was also a day filled with hope, peace and love. The spirit was so strong and was with me the whole day. I look back and wonder how I did it. All I can say is the Holy Ghost comforted and helped me that day. Wyatt was definitely near. It was one day I will never forget. We felt such an out pouring of love from so many wonderful friends and family. We will be forever grateful to each and everyone that touched our hearts a year ago along with the many through this past year. I've added a few of the MANY pictures taken on that day. I'm glad I took my sisters camera at the viewing and took some pictures of Wyatt's body. I have not added them to these pictures but for my own personal self I'm glad I have pictures of my little boy's body...the last time I got to see his body until the resurrection.

My last moment with my baby.