Thursday, February 12, 2009

"Complete"

I've been in a weird slump lately. I've not wanted to write or think or read or do much of blogging. I guess I've needed a break.
I had a moment last Saturday night and Sunday morning when the grief hit so hard that I wondered if I could even get out of bed. When breathing seemed like too much to do. It felt like those first few months after Wyatt died when the grief was so unbearable. It was so hard to get up and go to church Sunday...I can't even explain how hard that was. This moment did show me that I have progressed and that my mornings now are not as bad as they use to be but it also showed me that it's not gone either and can hit whenever. I've also had days the last few weeks where I've been able to feel somewhat normal and it's been nice. Oh, the ups and downs of grief!
I'm hating the fact that I'm getting further and further away from the day I held Wyatt in my arms. I feel such expectations that I should be better. Yes, it is better than those first few months but it's still so there. I have to take each day as it comes and most days I don't know what that will be. I may end up in Wyatt's room sobbing or I end up breaking down as I'm fixing dinner thinking about him. I often look over to where he use to watch me cook dinner in his swing and instead of seeing him I see a picture and wonder was he really a part of my life or was that just a dream. Did it really happen? Did my last child really die? It's almost unreal at times. Then there are those days that the grief isn't there as much and I function pretty well. I'm finding moments of joy...especially with Derek and our kids. Once you've tasted the bitter the sweet seems to be better than ever. It's truly the most emotional roller coaster I've ever been on.
There have been many posts in the past that I have just left in the "edit posts" area. I have not added them to the blog. Many times I've just needed to write what I was feeling at the moment and didn't feel like posting it for everyone to read. I've written a few of those posts the last few weeks that I haven't been able to add. Maybe someday I will feel like adding them. Tonight I was going back on a few that I had written in August. I opened this one labeled "complete" and it still sums up what I feel. I know I've expressed a lot of these same feelings in the past and I'm sure I sound like a broken record but I felt like posting this today. It hasn't changed much. I still feel this way.

Written August 18, 2008:

Once Wyatt got into our lives I felt such a completeness with our family. 2 boys and 2 girls it was just perfect. I was so enjoying that feeling of having our complete family together every where we went. We had finally gotten Wyatt here our caboose. I had made it through over 2 years of throwing up and nausea day in and day out to get these 4 children here. I had made it through 4 c-sections and I felt so complete. Now that completeness is gone. I feel such a void in our family. I know with all my heart that Wyatt is still a part of our family but I'm just missing seeing him crawl. If he was like his brother her would be running around right now. Whenever we go somewhere there is a void there. His car seat is gone, listening to him play with his toys is gone. Watching his DVD everyday is gone. Nursing him....gone. His crib is gone. Putting him in his walker and swing...gone! There is a void and and a huge hole in my heart......

Present day:

I feel that void everyday of my life. I think it's fading a little. I don't think about it every second like I did those first few months but it's still sooo there. I can't wait for the day that our complete family will be together again. Today Hayley turned on our CD player and the song "God be with you till we meet again" started to play. It was what I needed today...the hope that I will be with Wyatt again. That was also the closing song at Wyatt's funeral. Was that a coincidence today? I have to think not. I needed to know that my Wyatt is still aware of me and how much I miss him. I also know he misses being with me, Derek and the kids as well but he is letting me know of a wonderful day to look forward to...God be with you till we meet again. Can't wait for that day Wyatt when we feel COMPLETE again!

9 comments:

The Holland Family said...

Thinking of you today Andrea. I still have those days when my bed just calls to me. Today was one of them. I dreamed last night a horrible dream, that I had lost another child. I only had 1 child left. I woke up feeling so sad. Almost like the grief has never eased up. I feel your sorrow. Love, Nicole

Marc and Megan said...

Andrea, I've been thinking about you a lot this week. I need to email you. I just want you to know how loved you are and how grateful I am to have your friendship in my life. It's comforting to not be alone on this roller coaster. Please know I am always here.

Kunz Family said...

I am with you Andrea. Sometimes it seems like it was just a dream. When Daxton was alive, it seemed that nothing could go wrong. My life was complete. I didn't need anything else. Maybe that is why he is no longer here. I did need something else. Who knows what it was, but I hope one day I find out. For now, I might have to indulge in a batch of cookie dough.... thinking of you.

Jill said...

I'm so... proud of you Andrea. I can't begin to imagine that rollar coaster, but I'm completely in awe of how you're handling it. I think of you and Wyatt so often. I love you guys!

Eileen said...

Reading your posts and the comments of your friends that have also lost babies sure makes my trials seem small. You are all my heros. Chosen mothers with a very sacred calling. Giving earthly bodies to some very special spirits. Your rewards will be celestial!

Larsen said...

Oh Andrea!!! I've been feeling this way too lately. Just randomly the grief hits me and knocks me down. And getting up takes so much effort. My heart hurts for you today. I can only imagine what that day will be like, when the Lord compensates us for all the tears that have been shed over our little ones. HUGS!!

Michelle
Gavin's Mom

Angela said...

Andrea,
Thank you for your posts. I feel like we've been friends forever. My heart and prayers are with you.
Love,
Angela
(Evan from Heaven's mom)

Nathan Gedge said...

I am glad to see that your strength is building. As you look back, it is amazing to see how far you truly have come. You are a strong example of faith! I am glad to know you and hope that your Valentines day will be special.

Julie

Natalie said...

You are so strong and always have been. I'm so glad you have this blog. I think it is so healthy and I'm so grateful for your testimony. I think of you, Wyatt and your family all the time. Tell them all we love and miss them.