Monday, February 23, 2009

Well worth the wait!

Today is Derek and I's 13th anniversary. I can't believe it's been 13 years since we were seems like yesterday. It was one of the most wonderful days of my entire life. One I will never forget. I feel so very blessed. Derek is the most amazing husband. I feel like the luckiest person in the world that he is mine. How grateful I am for the incredible parents that raised him and taught him the things he knows and the desire to always do good. Thank you Mom and Dad Larsen for giving me the most wonderful husband I could ever ask for.

Derek and I were both older when we got married. That was a hard time for me in my life. I wanted to get married and be a mom and it took a long time and a lot of dating until I found the one I was searching for. I'm so grateful I was picky and that some of the relationships just didn't work out because I couldn't think of anyone better fit for me than my sweet Derek. I have often looked back on those days of dating and the frustration that they created in my life. I have asked to myself was it worth the wait? And the answer is YES so worth the wait. It was so hard at the time but I wouldn't trade it for anything because I have the most wonderful and caring husband anyone could ask for. I think we appreciate each other more because we did have to wait. I remember thinking during those dating years that if I ever find a wonderful husband I will be grateful to my Heavenly Father everyday for him. I can say that has been true. I'm so grateful that I'm married and that we have been blessed with some amazing kids. There was a time I didn't even know if I would have a husband let alone kids so I do feel blessed. Derek was well worth the wait!!!!

This past year has not been the easiest year...probably the hardest one out of the 13 we have had. This past year my sweet husband has been the most amazing, supportive and understanding husband anyone could ask for. Yes, we have had our moments like every couple does but I feel our love has grown so much during this past year as we have had to lean on each other and support each other during such a trying time. Derek knows how to comfort me and how to make me feel better. He especially knows how to make me laugh even when it doesn't seem possible. He gives me the strength to continue on when all things seem impossible.

I'm so grateful that we were married in the temple 13 years ago because of that choice we will have Wyatt again and we will be together forever. What a wonderful and amazing truth that is. It gives me the hope each day to keep going and to not give up. The relationships we have in this life is about the only thing we get to take with us to the next. I'm so grateful that Derek and I can spend eternity together with all of our children.

I have wondered that past few days about the phrase "well worth the wait." I've compared those days of dating and longing to get married with the trial we are going through right now. I've thought about when I get to hold and be with Wyatt again. Will it be worth the wait? Right now it's hard to think that waiting as long as we have to wait will be worth it but I have to believe that once we have Wyatt again we will be able to say YES it was worth the wait. I couldn't say at the time of all the dating and drama I went through that it was worth waiting for the right guy but now I can. Now that I have the love of my life I can say it. I have to believe that once Wyatt is with us again it will be just like that. It will be one of the most amazing and wonderful times of our existence. Maybe because we will have to wait it will make it that much more amazing. I also think we will appreciate Wyatt that much more...probably more than I can even comprehend. The challenge now is trying to make it each and everyday when my heart and soul longs to be with him again. My heart continues to ache and I wonder if I can make it through the rest of this life without one of my children. When I have my moments of sorrow and grief I usually have a moment or two of gratitude for the wonderful husband I been blessed with along with the incredible kids I've been given. Each one in their own way touches my heart and I'm so grateful for them.

Happy Anniversary to my sweetheart!! I love you with ALL of my heart. You were well worth the wait! (And I can't wait for the day when I can tell Wyatt the same thing.)

Maui Fall 2008

Valentines 2009

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Perfect Love

A month or so after Wyatt died I went to the library to find books to read and music to listen to. I found a Cd of instrumental songs. There was a song titled "Perfect Love" that I instantly fell in love with. There were no words but I loved the tune. It brought comfort to my soul. I had it in the car and I would listen to it over and over again as I would drive usually from my parents condo to home. I would cry and listen and feel strength from this song. There were usually butterflies flying next to or in front of our car while I was driving and listening. I felt my Wyatt near and this song brought added comfort. I even made Derek's ring tone on my cell phone with this song "Perfect Love"-- what a great title for when my sweet heart calls me.

The other night I was searching YouTube for inspirational videos or talks. There were two videos titled "Perfect Love" I wondered if this was the song that I had wanted to hear the words to for so long..could it possibly be? Yes, it was. I have been searching for months to find this song and I was thrilled to finally hear the words to it. I thought with the title that it would be a love song...maybe for my sweetheart or the "Perfect Love" a mother has for her children but it turns out to be a song about Christ and his "Perfect Love" for each of us. Oh, I just sobbed as I listened and watched this video on YouTube with pictures of Christ. I have added the song to my play list. Oh, the perfect love our Savior has for each of eternally grateful I am for him.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Grief quote

I got this quote from another mom's blog that is grieving the loss of her sweet Lucy(the cutest little girl ever!) I loved this quote because it was so true...oh, so true. It came from a book she is reading which I'm now going to go see if I can find. I think it's one I need to read. Thanks Molly for your amazing post today...she truly says it how it is. I'm feeling somewhat guarded at what I might post and say on this blog. Molly wrote so much of what I'm feeling and thinking on her post "Peek a boo grief" today. Thanks Molly for being so real and letting people know what it's like to grieve the loss of a child. Molly also has the gift of writing and words...she is amazing!

Here is the quote:

Grief is not linear. People kept telling me that once this happened or that passed, everything would be better. Some people gave me one year to grieve. They saw grief as a straight line, with a beginning, middle, and end. But it is not linear. It is disjointed. One day you are acting almost like a normal person. You may even manage to take a shower. Your clothes match. You think the autumn leaves look pretty, or enjoy the sound of snow crunching under your feet.Then a song, a glimpse of something, or maybe even nothing sends you back into the hole of grief. It is not one step forward, two steps back. It is a jumble. It is hours that are all right, and weeks that aren't. Or it is good days and bad days. Or it is the weight of sadness making you look different to others and nothing helps. Not haircuts or manicures or the Atkins Diet....Grief doesn't have a plot. It isn't smooth. There is no beginning and middle and end. -Ann Hood

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Valentines Day

Valentines 2008

Let's just say this Valentines day started out with lots of tears. Not necessarily over Wyatt but over some really disappointing things that I won't go into detail about here. Life can just be plain hard!
The evening though turned out to be a very special one. We went to one of the most amazing Valentines parties ever. Our sweet friends put on the greatest parties each year and we feel so blessed to be a part of it. It was a very special night for Derek and I as always.
Last year Wyatt went with us to the Valentines party. It was hard this year to look back at a year ago and remember every detail of that night and to now think he is gone. Those are some of the last memories I really have of Wyatt...the everyday ordinary days all seemed to blend together but this night was one to remember. I remember every detail of that night down to the sweater Wyatt was wearing, shoes he wore, feeding him and holding him... every little detail of that night is engraved into my mind. Wyatt started to fuss at his usual time of 8:30pm and was ready for his bath. As you can tell from some of these pictures he didn't want to sit and take pictures. He had a different plan that included a bath and one on one time with his mommy. I'm so grateful for those memories and for our sweet friends for creating those memories. They will always be ones I will cherish. I had no idea a year ago that I would only have one more month with my baby.
I'm not looking forward to that week in March when Wyatt died because after that I will not be able to say a year ago Wyatt was in our life...I will just have the memories of all the heartache and grief of last year. It's beyond hard! With that said I will have memories of all the sweet tender mercies from my loving Heavenly Father and for the many earth angels that have helped me through the most difficult year of my life.
My friend Gillian just made it through Zachary's angel day. She put some quotes on her blog that I loved. This one was one I hadn't heard before and I needed to hear it yesterday and today.

"The gift of resurrection is the Lord’s consummate act of healing. Thanks to
Him, each body will be restored to its proper and perfect frame. Thanks to Him,
no condition is hopeless. Thanks to Him, brighter days are ahead, both here and
hereafter. Real joy awaits each of us—on the other side of sorrow."
(Russell M. Nelson)
I loved that quote. I love anything that gives me hope for the future and especially I love any quote that pertains to Resurrection day. No condition is hopeless..real joy awaits each of us on the other side of sorrow. Love those words.
Another great quote:
"The cavity which suffering carves into our souls will one day also be the receptacle of joy."
(Neal A. Maxwell)
Can't wait for that day!

Thursday, February 12, 2009


I've been in a weird slump lately. I've not wanted to write or think or read or do much of blogging. I guess I've needed a break.
I had a moment last Saturday night and Sunday morning when the grief hit so hard that I wondered if I could even get out of bed. When breathing seemed like too much to do. It felt like those first few months after Wyatt died when the grief was so unbearable. It was so hard to get up and go to church Sunday...I can't even explain how hard that was. This moment did show me that I have progressed and that my mornings now are not as bad as they use to be but it also showed me that it's not gone either and can hit whenever. I've also had days the last few weeks where I've been able to feel somewhat normal and it's been nice. Oh, the ups and downs of grief!
I'm hating the fact that I'm getting further and further away from the day I held Wyatt in my arms. I feel such expectations that I should be better. Yes, it is better than those first few months but it's still so there. I have to take each day as it comes and most days I don't know what that will be. I may end up in Wyatt's room sobbing or I end up breaking down as I'm fixing dinner thinking about him. I often look over to where he use to watch me cook dinner in his swing and instead of seeing him I see a picture and wonder was he really a part of my life or was that just a dream. Did it really happen? Did my last child really die? It's almost unreal at times. Then there are those days that the grief isn't there as much and I function pretty well. I'm finding moments of joy...especially with Derek and our kids. Once you've tasted the bitter the sweet seems to be better than ever. It's truly the most emotional roller coaster I've ever been on.
There have been many posts in the past that I have just left in the "edit posts" area. I have not added them to the blog. Many times I've just needed to write what I was feeling at the moment and didn't feel like posting it for everyone to read. I've written a few of those posts the last few weeks that I haven't been able to add. Maybe someday I will feel like adding them. Tonight I was going back on a few that I had written in August. I opened this one labeled "complete" and it still sums up what I feel. I know I've expressed a lot of these same feelings in the past and I'm sure I sound like a broken record but I felt like posting this today. It hasn't changed much. I still feel this way.

Written August 18, 2008:

Once Wyatt got into our lives I felt such a completeness with our family. 2 boys and 2 girls it was just perfect. I was so enjoying that feeling of having our complete family together every where we went. We had finally gotten Wyatt here our caboose. I had made it through over 2 years of throwing up and nausea day in and day out to get these 4 children here. I had made it through 4 c-sections and I felt so complete. Now that completeness is gone. I feel such a void in our family. I know with all my heart that Wyatt is still a part of our family but I'm just missing seeing him crawl. If he was like his brother her would be running around right now. Whenever we go somewhere there is a void there. His car seat is gone, listening to him play with his toys is gone. Watching his DVD everyday is gone. Nursing him....gone. His crib is gone. Putting him in his walker and swing...gone! There is a void and and a huge hole in my heart......

Present day:

I feel that void everyday of my life. I think it's fading a little. I don't think about it every second like I did those first few months but it's still sooo there. I can't wait for the day that our complete family will be together again. Today Hayley turned on our CD player and the song "God be with you till we meet again" started to play. It was what I needed today...the hope that I will be with Wyatt again. That was also the closing song at Wyatt's funeral. Was that a coincidence today? I have to think not. I needed to know that my Wyatt is still aware of me and how much I miss him. I also know he misses being with me, Derek and the kids as well but he is letting me know of a wonderful day to look forward to...God be with you till we meet again. Can't wait for that day Wyatt when we feel COMPLETE again!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009


Here are some pictures from our trip to Arizona. We feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to go as a family and spend some time together along with my parents. Thanks Mom and Dad for a wonderful week of fun memories.

Mesa Temple

My wonderful, sweet and amazing parents. Aren't they the cutest couple?

Derek with his black eye...he has LOVED to tell people that I did it. He even told the ward that I had given him his black eye while conducting on Sunday...luckily he told them he was just kidding and got it while playing basketball or else he probably would have gotten another black eye. Good thing he married someone with a sense of humor..ha ha!

My Wyatt moment on the Temple grounds. I was having a moment like always of missing Wyatt and wishing he was there to be in the pictures we were taking. This butterfly then flew by and landed on this beautiful flower waiting for me to take it's picture....a tender mercy for me! I haven't seen a butterfly in months. I sure have missed my Wyatt moments so this one was extra special!
Yes, our kids fighting and making faces on the temple grounds...go figure.

I'm going to just put the rest of the pictures on a slide show. We did a lot of swimming. The place we stayed at was beautiful with fun pools, a lazy river, green grass and flowers. We also took a day and went to the science museum which the kids LOVED. On our way home we stopped and Hoover Dam and my Dad, Derek, Tyler and Hayley took a Dam tour....Derek sure loved using that word while we were there. All in all it was a wonderful and relaxing week together.
I continue to miss Wyatt especially when we are creating these moments together as a family. His void is soooo there for me. Oh, we miss our little boy. But we continue to have hope for the Resurrection and for the Millennium where we will create lasting memories as a "whole" family.

Arizona Slideshow

Monday, February 2, 2009

I'm grateful for the week we had as a family in Arizona. Thank you mom and dad for spending the week with us. We had fun spending time together creating memories. I will post some pictures soon.

Today I'm missing my baby and EVERYTHING that comes from everyday...nothing new! I get asked all the time is it any easier? Yes, in some ways but no in so many other ways. I'm going through a different stage of the grief and I'm not sure how to express it to those that might not understand. So, I guess that is why I haven't posted much. Maybe I will feel like posting some of my feelings later but right now I don't feel like it. Just needed to add a couple of pictures of my Wyatt.
One week old