Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Time

It's amazing to me how grief comes in waves. I've had a few good days where I felt some what normal but then it hits and out of the blue. I guess I need to qualify "a few good days" Everyday I feel the affects of grief. Some days though it comes harder and stays longer. So I guess those days where it isn't as intense and doesn't seem to stay as long will qualify as "a good day". This morning as I came home to an empty house after taking Hayley to preschool it hit me. This was going to be my Wyatt time...his one on one time. I know I've expressed this before but man the house is too quiet. I should be cleaning up after a one year old. I should be doing all those things you do for a one year old but I'm not.
On Saturday we were doing some yard work and I had to think how hard Wyatt would have been if he was here. I know I would have been chasing him and trying to keep him from the street. I probably would have been thinking how glad I was that he was our last and that I was ready to move onto the next stage in life. I was ready for that but now I'm not. I'm not sure how I'm going to move forward to that stage of not having little ones in our house. I feel robbed that it's happening way to quickly for me. Oh, I planned on enjoying every stage of Wyatt because he was our last. I can say I did enjoy every moment of those 5 1/2 months I had with him and in a way maybe that makes me miss him even more. Now, I have to go through the rest of my life with the what if's.
Today is the 13th. It's been 10 months since Wyatt died. That is probably why the grief is hitting me today. It's weird how those dates can do that to me. How have I lived those many days and months without him in it? Time seems to continue on when in my heart I feel it shouldn't be. It's such a weird thing to experience. I truly can't imagine going through 50 or more years without him. That is when I have to just think of the present and take it one day at a time because it becomes way too overwhelming to think anything more than that. Grief is such a crazy thing that I'm still trying to figure out. I do know that Heavenly Father has blessed me these 10 months with so many tender mercies and answered prayers. How grateful I am for that. Here are a few pictures I took one morning while he was sleeping. I will always cherish each and every picture I have of my sweet Wyatt.

I have at least 25 more pictures I took that morning. I'm so grateful I took the time out of my busy day to enjoy him sweetly sleeping. I will cherish them all my life.
Now I have to put on the happy face and go and try and be a mom for my 9 year old at school. I've been volunteering in her class this year. I'm so grateful for each of my children.

9 comments:

Natalie said...

Time is kind of weird when you think about it. It tends to go fast when you don't want it to and slow when you want it to go fast. I know Heavenly Father will bless you for this time in your life. I love all the pictures of sleeping Wyatt. He is such an adoreable little baby. Thank you for the reminder to cherish the time we have with our children. I'm so glad you cherished every moment with little Wyatt. When I had such hard time getting pregnant with Addie, I promised myself and Heavenly Father, if He would ever bless me with a baby, I would always cherish every moment. No matter how tired or difficult motherhood or pregnancy would be. I feel like I will never know when I will not be able to have kids anymore, so even with Jake, I feel like I have to remember and cherish every moment. Thank you for reminding me of how precious and how fleeting time really is. I love you and your blog. You are such a good example to me!

taguefamily said...

I love to read your blog because you have help me to remember how precious life is and how I should Cherish every moment with my children. Last night I had a miscarriage. We have been trying for our last baby for over a year now. I am grateful for the gospel principles and for the gift of a forever family. Thank you for sharing all that you do on your blog.

Julie said...

Li'l Ann,
I always have to prep myself emotionally before I read your blog. I am so grateful for all of your posts. You are so incredibly strong! You have made me realize how truly precious life is....and each day, for that matter! I have been taking so many more pictures and videoing more because I know that it could happen to anyone at anytime! You are in my prayers!

Angela said...

Andrea,
Your family is so beautiful. Thank you for your support and love during our trying time. It is comforting to know that there are others out there who can truly understand what the waves of grief feel like. I will be thinking of you.
love,
Angela
(Evan's mom)

Elyse said...

Oh Andrea,
My heart still aches for you. Thanks for sharing your feelings so openly. What a great example you are to so many. We also wish we could have seen you over Christmas-hopefully, soon though.
Love, Elyse

Miss Molly said...

10 months...wow. It's been nearly 8 for me. It's really all the same isn't it? 8 months, 10 months, 2 years. But I hope...I HOPE it gets "better", easier to bear. Those photos are absolutely heartbreakingly precious.

Gillian said...

I love that little guy---he is just so sweet!
Grieving is just so painful. We hurt because we love our little boys so much. Somedays the loss is just overwhelming. I'm so glad you took those sweet pictures....and that you're sharing Wyatt with us. Thank you!

Larsen said...

He is so handsome.

The G Fam said...

I went to write the other day, but could not bring myself to do so. I am sorry that it is hard. It is our nature as mothers to love our children. This love helps us to guard our precious ones, and when disease or deformities occur, it is so hard to not try and buck against our nature to grab our babies and protect them. And we can not help to be pained when we can no longer hold them in our arms. I was so touched by the pictures of Wyatt. He is such a beautiful baby. So I am sorry, and although it does not change anything or really help, just know I mourn with you just as you mourn with me.
Heart Hugs,
Emily G.