Friday, January 23, 2009

If God loves me why this?

I checked out this book at the library last week called "If God loves me then why this?" It caught my eye because I've wondered that so many times this past year. Let's just say this has been the most difficult year of my life. I haven't finished reading this book yet but last night as I was reading I read this part about Satan and how he will put lies into our heads and tries to make us believe them. I've had so many of those lies come to me this past year. One of them has been... I must have done something wrong for this to have happened. I have come to find out how false that is. Bad things DO happen to good people. Look at Joseph Smith and Emma and all that they had to go through. There are countless good people in history that have had horrible things happen to them. We are not exempt to having bad things happen to us because we are living the gospel. This life is a testing period. I think sometimes we think as long as we are doing everything we are asked we will be blessed and won't have anything bad happen. That is just not true! But Satan wants us to believe these lies.
Another lie I've struggled with is the issue of faith. I really hate hearing stories now that end with...because of my faith ...was healed or because of our faith we had a miracle happen. I know I had enough faith that Wyatt could have been healed. But Satan wants me to believe that I didn't and that is why we didn't have our miracle happen. The hardest test of my faith is when my prayers didn't get answered the way I wanted it to. I think that is when our faith is tried and tested and in a way really shows how much faith we do posses. It's easy to have faith when our prayers are answered exactly how we want them to be. The true test of our faith is when they aren't answered how we think they should be. I also feel a part of faith is trusting that Heavenly Father knows better than us and with that knowledge we need to put our complete trust in him. That has been hard for me during this roller coaster of grief that I've been on. I just can't think that Wyatt is needed more somewhere else than in my arms. How could he possibly be in a better place than where he was in our home being loved and adored. It's hard! I do know that there is a purpose in ALL things and maybe someday I will know why. Until then I am so grateful for all the tender mercies I've received this past year. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Heavenly Father is aware of me and what I'm going through each and everyday. He has placed people in my life to help me and I'm so grateful for that. I think he understands how hard this is and how it's going to be hard all of my life. If I stopped loving Wyatt I think I could move on and "be over him" but that won't ever happen. I think I will think about him everyday of my life until he is in my arms again. Why wouldn't I do that? I'm his mom and I continue to love him like I love my other kids. He's still a part of me.
I continue to have waves of grief hit me. One hit me yesterday morning and I couldn't stop crying. I sat on the couch holding Hay and listening to the songs I had put on this blog and cried. Hay and I talked about Wyatt and what we miss about him. She said she misses tickling him because he always loved that and would laugh and giggle. I'm so glad her memory of him hasn't faded yet. I hope I can keep his memory alive for her. She spent probably the most time with him besides me mainly because everyone else had school or other things to do. Hayley and I stayed at home each day enjoying being Wyatt's mom and sister. Hay loved to show off to Wyatt and he loved to sit and watch her with a smile or two as she would say "you sister is amazing."
I signed Hay up for preschool a couple of weeks ago and the teacher asked me how many kids I had. I said 4. She then asked where Hay fit into the family and I told her she was our 3rd. She then said to Hay "oh, you get to be a little sister and a big sister." I didn't have the heart at the time to tell her that she doesn't get to be that big sister anymore and will have to wait until the Millennium for that. That is one of many hard moments.
This picture of Wyatt and Hay is literally the last picture I took of him....it was the last picture on my camera. I had just gotten him that sweater for spring and wanted to take his picture in it. Hay always wanted to be included.

18 comments:

Heather said...

bless you!! for your sweet thoughts and testimony. You are a dear mama with strength and goodness and faith. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts on these deep and challenging issues. It strengthens me and teaches me. bless you!!!

Marc and Megan said...

Andrea, there is so much that you've written here that I echo wholeheartedly. I was sitting in a church meeting about a month after our twins were born, when a speaker quoted the verse that miracles are a result of our faith. At the time it was so painful to hear that. I've had to remind myself that just because I didn't get the miracle I wanted, there have still been so many miracles mixed in with all the craziness and pain of the last six months. Anyway, thank you so much for continuing to share so many of your thoughts and experiences... you continue to bless and strengthen me with your words.

Teea Lamb said...

Thank you for your sweet comments. Those pictures are so adorable. Your kids are beautiful. I really appreciated the part about faith. I too have a hard time hearing about how others faith has helped them heal or whatever. I can't help but thinking "this is a bunch of nonsense! I had faith, and look what happened?" but I know that is Satan trying to push me off the path. It's hard to keep those thoughts out. But stronger than those thoughts and Satan's attempts, are the confirmations I receive that my Heavenly Father loves me and is aware of my grief and pain. Thank you so much for sharing. You are amazing.

Sheryl said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts - all I can say is 'diddo'. I'm so glad we got to meet! Your Wyatt is adorable. Let me know if you think that book is worth reading. The title sums up how I feel sometimes too.

Larsen said...

Andrea, I just want you to know that a bawled when I heard that Kenny Chesney song. The part that said "God knows how much I miss you." All I could feel was "Mom, I know how much you miss me." I feel like recently Gavin has really been trying to help me understand that God knows and so does HE, how much I adored that little boy, how much I loved and cherished him, how much I ache for him. What special spirits we have waiting for us!! Thank you for your words. I feel like Heavenly Father has also been trying to remind me that my miracle was not Gavin living but that our miracles have been us surviving without him. That in and of it's self is probably a greater miracle then if he had been raised from the dead. (maybe not the one I would've picked, but a miracle still the same.) I love you Andrea!!!

Gillian said...

Andrea,
Thank you for being so real! I've had these exact feelings at times too.
I think you are such an amazing example of true faith---holding on to your testimony despite the knowledge that prayers weren't answered as you wanted. It's so hard to for us to understand why some people get their miracles and other's don't. But sometimes bad things do happen to good people, and you're one of the very best. I know one day we'll understand it.
And you're so right about Satan---darn that Satan and his lies!
Such a sweet picture of Haley and Wyatt---they both are adorable. And she does get to be the big sister---because her mom will never let her forget that Wyatt will always be such a big part of your family.
Thank you Andrea!

Natalie said...

What an amazing post! Thank you once again for teaching me and stregthening my testimony. That picture of Hayley and Wyatt is so sweet. They are quite the cute little pair.

taguefamily said...

I love the sweet pictures of Wyatt and your Hayley. Everything you said here is so true. your insight is amazing and your testimony is so strong to me. Thank you for giving such an amazing blog today. God Bless

Jill said...

I loved this post Andrea! You are incredible in your faith and understanding of trial. I so much appreciate you sharing these thoughts with us. It strengthens me. I love these pictures of your youngest two. They look so much alike to me. I love you guys!

Julie said...

Andrea,
I feel so much peace and solice in your posts! I have learned so much just through reading of how you have....and continue to...overcome this challenge! Those pictures of Hayley and Wyatt are priceless!
Thanks so much for sharing your feelings!! It truly strenthens me!!

Allred Mom said...

Andrea,
Your sweet words and thoughts strengthen me as I read them.
Unfortunately, Satan has a way to make us feel the worst about ourselves. Fortunately, we have a Savior who thinks and knows the best about us. May you continue to feel His strength as negative thoughts come to you. You truly are a beloved daughter of God!

Krainich Family said...

What a beautiful post Andrea. I am so proud of you. I can read of your strength through my computer. You are such a beautiful person. You are strong. You are faithful, you are amazing. So much of what you said hits home to the heart. . . the "i'm thankful my son was healed bc of our prayers" testimonies. . . they are painful to hear I know. Love you, keep fighting!

larsen family said...

I love to read your blog and relate with what you say. Tender mercies are really nice but I know that it doesn't take the pain away.
Sending Hugs,
Jen (Angel Kamber's Mommy)

tori said...

Hi Andrea,
Just read your post...and enjoyed the picture of your youngest two. So sweet! Then I listened to the broadcast of whitehorseinn.org (Creation, Fall, and Redemption)and heard the following. Thought it applied to what you were saying...and those questions have been things I've wrestled with, too. Here is a quote:
"Christians cannot assume that if we follow God's commandments in the land we will have long lives, our vineyards will be filled with the choicest grapes...etc...all these promises that you have in the Old Testament for obedience- those passages don't apply to us now...(see Hebrews) -what has been given in Christ far exceeds all that.
In the new covenant, we experience what's often called the common grace and common curse, side by side. Christians suffer with non-Christians, and non-Christians benefit with Christians in God's common grace. The childbirth of Christian moms is just as painful as the childbirth of non-Christian moms. There is absolutely no correlation between godliness and gain, the apostle Paul says. There is no correlation between obedience to God and your life going well."

love tori

neener said...

I loved reading your beautiful post. I admire your strength. Thank you for all those beautiful words, they were a blessing from on HIGH. Thanks again.
Love denine

The G Fam said...

Andrea,
I love reading your words. They are beautiful and I love how you are honest and true about what you are experiencing. It is hard. I do hate when people are like "well, they are in a better place." Well yes, that may be, but comments like that make me feel like I am unfit mother and they have been taken away because Heavenly Father did not feel I was doing an adequate enough job. (I know, another one of Satan's lies.) It is hard. It is an everyday mourning process. Anyways, just know we pray for your sweet family and you are an amazing mother.
Heart hugs,
Emily
What beautiful children you have!

JAG said...

I just came across your blog from a link on another blog. You have a beautiful family and I am so sorry for your loss.

Brittanie said...

I was blog-hopping earlier today and found this entry. I just wanted to let you know how much I needed to read it. My sweet Cora was stillborn nearly 3 years ago. I am at the moment near the end of my second subsequent pregnancy, and 2 weeks away from my "loss point." I really needed to be reminded that I am being watched over, that my Savior knows who I am, and that I have received so many tender mercies too. So thank you for posting this. (I actually had to leave and come back to post a comment). Wyatt was (and is) such a gorgeous little boy. Thank you for the pictures. Thank you for the testimony.