Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I haven't written in a week. That might be a record. I think it's because I've had a really tough week and since it's the time and season of joy and happiness I feel it's hard to express the opposite. I worry that I might bring someone down. So if you don't want to listen to me whine then don't read any further.

I've had a hard time finding joy and happiness right now when all around me I feel that void in my life. Unless you have lost someone very close to you you will probably not understand what I'm talking about and feeling. I don't think I would have understood any of it a year ago but I'm afraid I know all to well how hard holidays can be now. Everything reminds me of what I don't have anymore. All the memories of last year come flooding over me and I just miss my little boy. So many lost dreams I face each day. Just a year ago Wyatt was under the tree loving the lights and trying to grab them...now he is gone. He should be a pest this year taking off all of the ornaments. Instead they stay where I put them. Christmas songs bring back the memories of dancing and twirling around with him. He would put his head on my shoulder as we danced to "The First Noel." Oh, how I miss that. I know I have 3 other beautiful children and I'm so grateful for them but that doesn't take away the hurt and longing I feel for Wyatt. I'm sure people might think..get over it he's gone so stop dwelling on it...you have other children you should dwell on them. I think that is easier said than done. I try my best to do that but I continue to feel this void in my life. It will be with me the rest of my life. My heart and arms will ache for him until he is in my arms again. It might get easier but it will always be there and there is nothing I can do about it. I guess I can try to just forget him and move on with my life..block everything out and pretend it didn't happen but I will not do that. I will keep his memory alive for me, my kids and husband. He is still a part of our family.

We decorated a small tree and put it on Wyatt's grave. As we were leaving the cemetery I had to think in my mind "I really can't believe this is my life right now." It just doesn't seem possible. I could go on and on with my sad feelings and heartache that I'm feeling right now but I won't. Sorry, about the downer stuff. I guess I just needed to let out some of whats going on in my mind. I guess to sum it all up... it's just beyond hard!

I do need to record how I am more grateful than ever for the birth of Jesus Christ. I didn't think that my love and testimony for him could possibly grow more than what it was a year ago but it has and I'm grateful for that. I also love our tree this year. I bought some things on clearance last year and I love how it makes our tree more complete. I've added a couple of pictures of it.

I'm also grateful for the many ornaments we have received for Wyatt's tree. They are just wonderful and mean so much to us. I will post some pictures soon. Thanks to everyone that has given us an ornament so far. They will be cherished for years to come.
I know that all that I'm feeling and going through is normal. This is part of the grief process and it's something I need to go through and feel so I can heal. I probably will never be the same person again. How could I? The trick is going to be making myself a better person from this trial. I have a choice of becoming bitter or softened. I hope I will choose to become softened. It's a daily battle I fight and I hope and pray I will win. I have a wonderful Grandma that showed me how to do it. She faced much heartache in her life. She became softened. I just hope I can become a little of what she became.

Hayley in front of our tree.


Felipe and Erika said...

I noticed that you hadn't posted in awhile and I felt in my heart how much EXTRA incredibly hard this time of year must be for you. I love you and have prayed EXTRA for you this week.

Jill said...

I'm sure those feelings will continue. Prayers will also continue Andrea. Know you are thought of and prayed for. I hope you feel strengthened by those prayers and because of our Savior who's birth we celebrate. Love you! Can't wait to see you this Christmas.

Wait... are you guys coming up for Christmas? hope so. :)

Larsen said...

Oh ANDREA!!!! My heart breaks with yours. It seems this has been a hard week for many of us. Those little hands you miss so much. I love you and hurt with you this season, don't know if that helps, but at least your not alone!

Michelle Larsen
Gavin's Mom

Madison Matthews said...

Andrea- PLease don't stop being authentic. I don't understand what you are going through, but you are a strength to me. I often wonder how do you continue. You have every right to be mad and angry and sad and lonely and longing for your sweet little Wyatt!!! His tree is beautiful. I have prayed for you this week, especially these last couple of days. Love Steph Matthews

Leanne said...

I haven't looked at many blogs lately, but your blog is always one of the first I look at. Thank you for being you!

Nathan Gedge said...

I LOVE that you have a stocking up for Wyatt. I still put up a stocking for Taylor. All of our stockings match except for his. His stocking is all white- No decorations of Santa, reindeer- just white. It symbalyzes so much that he was so pure, too pure and perfect to come here. Just like Wyatt. Wyatt was so special.

There is something about the chill in the air that makes those sad feelings just rush over you. People are out rushing for presents, yet what you want you can't have. I remember that was the one thing that people would ask is if I needed help shopping for presents. I would think to myself, "Presents? I don't care about presents. That is not what CHRISTmas is all about."

There is nothing that I can say to help or take the pain away. I know that you have 3 beautiful children here- I was told the same thing. But there is always that emptyness, that ache in your arms and in your heart, longing for your little boy.

There is a picture by Jean Keaton of Jesus holding a little baby. This has helped me in those sad moments. A friend bought me a big copy of this pic and I have it hanging in the living room. It is comfort to me to know that Taylor has a BIG brother in heaven watching over him until I get that chance.

Please know that I am thinking of you and you are so strong!

Gillian said...

It is hard for people who haven't experienced loss to understand what a difficult month this can be. Every idea, tradition, and expectation about Christmas takes on a whole new meaning. The things that may have seemed important in the past, just aren't now. It is so hard to remember the joy of the season, when you feel less than whole. When such a huge part of who you are is missing and your joy is clouded by grief.
Andrea, your tree is beautiful. It is amazing to me that you've been able to accomplish that---I haven't been able to yet. You've decorated in a way that shows what a big part of your life Wyatt is. I love the framed pictures on the tree. You have your other 3 children in person---and get to see their little faces and hug them everyday. I completely understand wanting to surround yourself with the sweet little face that you don't get to see everyday.
Someone sent me this poem called
"Merry Christmas From Heaven" and I really liked it. It helps me a little (I guess, if crying uncontrollably is helping me). I thought I'd share it with you...

I still hear the songs.
I still see the lights.
I still feel your love
On cold wintry nights.

I still share your hopes
And all of your cares,
I'll even remind you
To still say your prayers.

I just want to tell you,
You still make me proud.
You stand head and shoulders
Above the crowd.

Keep trying each moment
To stay in His grace.
I came here before you
To help set up your place.

You don't have to be perfect
All of the time.
He forgives you the slip
If you continue the climb.

To my family and friends
Please be thankful today
I'm still close beside you
In a new special way.

I love you all dearly,
Now don't shed a tear
Cause I'm spending my Christmas
With Jesus this year.
---John Mooney Jr.

Love you Andrea!

Gillian said...

Sorry for my ridiculously long comment. :)

Natalie said...

Your tree is beautiful and I think you are doing great to even decorate when you are feeling like you are. I know I can't imagine how truly hard this is for you but I try to and it is unbearable for me to think about. I know your kids know you love them and they are great kids. You are a great mom. Love you and I will continue to send my prayers your way!!