Friday, November 14, 2008

Thirsty

I got out a book this morning that I haven't read for a while called "Jesus Wept" by Joyce and Dennis Ashton. A great book that I would highly recommend if you are going through a loss in your life or if you want to understand more about what it's like to go through something like this. Thanks Gillian for sending it to me.

My friend Jen had pointed out something to me the other day and I wanted to read it. It says:

"Attempting to console those who have lost loved ones or endured serious trials
by saying it will be better in the next life tends to minimize their immediate
pain; 'It's like you are in a desert and you are dying of thirst, and someone
says Yes, you can have a drink, but not for thirty years!'"

That is exactly how I've been feeling lately. Some days thinking about having Wyatt in the Millennium helps me and I do get excited about it but that is not enough. It just seems so very far away. I've been feeling like I've been dying of thirst... to just hold Wyatt again, to see him and kiss his cheeks again and to be able to do all of those things that I use to do for him. I thirst to have him as a part of our family right now. I want him to be a part of the memories we are creating. I thirst after the life I had before Wyatt died. There is an incredible void in my life. I guess I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with that void. I've had to thirst after knowledge and understanding and anything that might comfort me for a moment. I'm grateful for music, for the temple, prayer, scriptures, prophets and apostles and knowledgeable people. I'm also grateful for family, friends, my kids and husband. These things help and I'm grateful for them but none of these things will bring back Wyatt so I guess I will live a life of being extremely thirsty. I'm sure as time goes on that thirst might minimize but I don't think it will ever go away until he is in my arms again.



I have had a pile of Wyatt's things in my room since he died. This pile is all of the things I've found since he died around the house. It's also all the last things he wore or I washed after he died. I had it right next to my bed for quite some time. I then moved it to the corner. Yesterday I decided to move his things to his room. I also decided to fill up the hutch in his room with all of his clothes, blankets, toys, shoes that have been in a cedar chest downstairs. I felt like I need his things closer to me--more accessible. My friend Denine had made a sweet memorial in her bedroom with all of Tanner's things. After seeing that I decided I needed that in Wyatt's room so if my kids want to spend a few moments thinking of their brother they can go in there and hold his things and look at his pictures. I enjoyed spending time yesterday folding up his clothes again. Many tears were shed. So many lost dreams. Each time I do laundry for the family I feel that void as I don't get to fold up his cute little clothes anymore. As I've said before I really don't want to sugar coat things. This is a hard thing that we are having to go through. It's going to be hard for a while and I guess I'm OK with that. I feel like I need time to get through this "grief work". In this book "Jesus Wept" they say:
"Grief work will likely become the hardest work we will ever do. It will extract
more time, patience, and energy than most of us expect or feel capable of
enduring."
I know I have to "feel" it to "heal" it and that is going to take time. Thanks to so many of you for staying with me through the thick of it all.









I bought this table as a birthday gift to Wyatt. I guess that was my justification for buying it but I wanted something to put his lamp on and make is room more inviting.

12 comments:

Robyn said...

Andrea,
I am so sorry that you you have to go through this! You are such an amazing person and I am thankful that you are my friend! Wyatt's room is beautiful-I need to come and see your house. I love you!

Sheryl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sheryl said...

Hi Andrea,

I linked to your blog from the Angels among us website. I love the way you have Wyatt's room setup. I love that you have his things all around you. Wyatt is such an adorable baby - you have great pictures of him. Thanks for your post - I need more of Esther around me and I love your ideas!

(sorry about the deleted post - my mind is not keeping up with me!)

Jill said...

Aww... I love that room! It looks so peaceful Andrea! That's neat that you put all of his stuff in there. I'm sure that was hard though. You're amazing! I think it's great you have a whole room to remember your precious little guy. It is a beautiful room, I'm sure Wyatt resides more than you know. Love you!

Linda Pickles said...

I couldn't sleep tonight and decided to get on the computer and catch up on your blog and Denine's. Both of you have such heartache, but both of you are doing positive things to get through it. I love the memory room, and know it will continue to bring you peace and comfort. And thanks for reminding us again about angels. They truly are all around us, lifting and encouraging us. We love you!

Larsen said...

I am sorry Andrea. It just hurts. I am with you on that. I tried to explain on my blog to people, that at all the joyful times in life we'll be 98% happy and 2% sad because we know this little one is missing. And that is hard. Your little Wyatt is so lovely. He does have very kissable cheeks, at least they look it!!

Michelle
Gavin's Mom

Suzanne said...

I love this room. It is so calming. You don't see too many nurseries done in white, and how special that yours has so much white.

I love the mother hands that folded and re-folded each article of this clothing. Oh how you love that boy! Did you separate his socks on purpose? I know you had a thing for his little toes :).

Natalie said...

I'm glad you know you have to feel to heal! I love the anology from that book about thirst. It describes so well what you are feeling, and it made even more sense to me how hard it would be to go through something like you are going through. Dan's uncle died today. His grandma is still alive and she used to be very scared of death but she told us she now welcomes death since her son is gone now. Some people thought that was interesting because she was so petrified before but I thought it was completely normal. I have seen you struggle with living without Wyatt and I don't think it matters if you are 20 or 80, if you lose a child, you welcome the closest opportunity to see your child again. Thank you for teaching me more compassion! I am so proud of you Andrea, you are such a wonderful person and I love you so much. Keep feeling and I'll keep learning. Love you!

neener said...

Andrea, your room for Wyatt inspired me to do this for Tanner. You are so sweet. I love the room, it really is a nice spritual place to go to feel him near. A place you can cry, laugh and remember the child we love so much. Sending you lots of love, missing you too.
Denine

Gillian said...

I appreciated that part of the book too---it helps explain what a difficult journey we are on. There is no easy "fix".
I love that special Wyatt room you have--a place to remember. I'm so glad you have it. I am in the process of deciding what to do with Zach's things--this post was so helpful to me.
You are just wonderful---

drans007 said...

I don't remember having seen this quote on your blog yet, and it's just from this last conference, from a talk by Joseph B. Wirthlin called Come What May, and Love It. I was prompted to share it with YOU! "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." Love from me to you!

Krainich Family said...

What a beautiful room. I love those quotes. Thank you for sharing. Keep breathing and be kind and patient with yourself. Much love