Monday, October 20, 2008

Breathe

A year ago today my sweet friend Jen watched as her little Luke took his last breath. She commented to me this weekend that she couldn't believe that she had breathed for 365 days without her little boy. Luke only lived 4 short months and spent all of those months at PCMC. My heart just aches to think what Jen and her family had to go through those 4 months. I feel guilty that I was able to bring my baby home when he was born and enjoy 5 1/2 wonderful months with him while she spent her 4 months at the hospital. My heart aches for her loss. Thinking and praying for you today Jen.

Since Wyatt's passing there have been so many days where I have thought "how am I going to breathe for another day when a part of me isn't breathing anymore?" That thought came to me this morning in fact. The heaviness of grief and loss can make just doing the simple almost impossible. There have been days I really didn't want to breathe anymore but knew I had to. I'm grateful those days are not as often but they do still come--unexpectedly.

Hayley has started taking Wyatt's roll as far as getting up in the night. Lately she has been getting up around 4am the same time as Wyatt use to wake up to eat. She climbs in bed with me and snuggles up to me. I enjoy this time so much...to just feel and hear her breathe. I watch as her stomach goes up and down. It makes me realize how grateful I am for her breaths along with Tyler's, Emily's and Derek's. It helps me to try and breathe and know I still have wonderful blessings in my life.

Today at Costco there was a newborn baby crying--it took my breath away. For an instant it brought back what I had a year ago and I had to think is he really gone? Oh, it's just plain hard! Anyway, this baby was stuck in his car seat and the mom was just busy shopping and was ignoring him. I wanted to run up to the mother and tell her to pick him up--love him, kiss him, snuggle with him, cherish every second with him because you never know how long you will have him. I didn't do that but man it's tempting sometimes. Then I realize I need to do that with my kids that are with me now. I have much to be grateful for.

I know I have said this before but losing Wyatt has put so many things into perspective for me. Things I thought mattered before really don't matter now. I would do any thing or give away any thing to have him back in my arms again....breathing!

10 comments:

Stephanie Lyman said...

Just thinking about you Andrea, your blog made me cry today. I am grateful to you that you are doing this. Reading your blog helps me put my own life in perspective and realize what's truly important here. I have been struggling with how I am going to tell Kaitlyn,the daughter I gave up for adoption, that I won't be able to come to her wedding. I got a wedding announcement from her several weeks ago. I don't know if I have told you this because I haven't told hardly anyone, but Kaitlyn believes she is transgendered and has gone as far as taking hormones and has had a cosmetic procedure done to alter her body. She is marrying an afro-american girl who has a one year old boy on the 25th of this month. I don't know what to say about this. My heart hurts for the parents who have loved and raised her in the gospel. The hardest part of this is the thought that I placed her for adoption to save her from these kinds of tragic folley's and it happened anyway. I feel like all the years I suffered her loss were in vain-for nothing-because I saved her from nothing. I don't even know anybody who is dealing with this same issue so I don't tell anyone because I feel like I'm the reason this happened. She looks and sounds like a boy, but I still see her in there and it's very weird. She really wants me to be there,even though she knows where I stand on this issue. She loves me and wants me in her life. I love her and want her in my life. This is hard and I don't know how to do this, I never imagined I'd face this kind of thing. But anyway, your blog is so good for me. I realize what matters most when I read your posts and it makes me so very grateful for my life and for my husband and the children I have been blessed with including Kaitlyn. Thank you for sharing it with me. All my love, Stephanie

Robyn said...

Andrea-
You are such an amazing person! I am amazed at your strength. Your post is wonderful. You are doing a great job at weathering this storm, as you continue to "breathe" each day. I hope you know how much I love you and look up to you!

Eileen said...

What a tender post. Your blog inspires me to try to be a better person. To be grateful for my blessings and challenges. Thanks for sharing such beautiful pieces of your broken heart with us. I hope some very warm sunshine falls on you today.

Natalie said...

I love you Andrea! Thanks for helping me be grateful for the breath of life. It's something so vital but so easily overlooked. I hurt to know that you would wish not to breathe but in a way, I think I could understand why, it would be easier to not feel the pain. I just want you to know that you are doing so much to help others and just seeing your stregnth, helps me to appreciate so much more that the gospel brings. Your pain is not in vain. I know you will be greatly rewarded for your endurance and faith! Thanks for breathing!!

tori said...

"God that made the world and all things therein, seeing that he is Lord of heaven and earth, dwelleth not in temples made with hands; Neither is worshiped with men's hands, as though he needed any thing, seeing he giveth to all life, and breath, and all things;....For in Him we live, and move, and have our being..." Acts 17:24-28

Andrea,
Your post reminded me of this verse. I was listening to someone who talked about it just yesterday...so it came to mind quickly. You are right in that we do take so many things for granted. Our very breath is a gift from God. It reminds me of how ungrateful I have been for so many years...how I have taken for granted the very God in Whom I have my life, my breath, and my very being.

tori said...

Andrea,
Please don't feel guilty, either, about the precious time you had with your little Wyatt. I have envied your "normal" time with him. So many memories with Olivia were hard...both Aaron and I struggle with looking back and trying to find those quiet, tender moments. Olivia came out fighting, and her whole life was a battle.
But...these things are not in our hands. I would wish all of us to have our little ones with us still. I would gladly struggle through more hard hospital days to have Olivia for a little longer. I would wish that I never had met you through IHH...if that meant that Wyatt were still with you. But God is sovereign... and I am only the clay that He is forming in His hands.
We can only be thankful for the gifts that we have been given knowing that "...all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

Jill said...

Keep breathing Andrea! We love you!

gcashton said...

Beautiful, Andrea. Thank you for this.

Nathan Gedge said...

Andrea,
Every day we each fight our own battles. Every day we get up and CHOOSE to breathe. After losing your little Wyatt it is truly that much harder to do everyday things. But because you ARE getting up each day and you ARE choosing to breathe, makes you that much stronger. I love reading your blog and getting strength from the messages you send out. You are the inspiration to many and I hope that you know that you are loved. Keep your spirits up.
Love,
julie

neener said...

I understand and sometimes I still find it hard to Breathe. Babies crying still make me want to hold and comfort them. Take care.