Friday, October 31, 2008
Posted by Andrea at 10:15 PM
Posted by Andrea at 1:30 AM
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
I needed this today. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my Savior could have healed my baby. I guess I'm just wondering if he can heal my broken heart.
(You will need to pause the player on the side bar to hear the wonderful music on this video.)
Posted by Andrea at 12:01 PM
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Posted by Andrea at 3:08 PM
Posted by Andrea at 3:05 PM
Friday, October 24, 2008
Posted by Andrea at 6:45 PM
Thursday, October 23, 2008
"There is, in the suffering of the highest order, a point that is reached--a
point of aloneness--when the individual must bear it, as it were, alone. Even
the faithful may wonder if they can take any more or if they are some way
forsaken. Those who, as it were, stand on the foot of the cross often can do so
little to help absorb the pain and anguish. It is something we must bear
ourselves in order that our triumph can be complete."
I think each of us will have our own "Gethsemane's" to face during our life's. Nothing like what our Savior had to go through but times when we feel so alone and in some way forsaken. I feel I need to document these hard times when hope, prayer, and knowledge seems to not be enough. It's hard but something I have to bear and bear it alone. Usually at the end of the suffering an earth angel will help me out of the pit I was in. How grateful I for earth angels! Another reason I feel I need to document the hard times(yes, I'm aware that I'm pretty good at this and I don't always find the positive in everything. I'm also aware that it must be exhausting reading my downer posts all the time but as I explain here I need to do it) is in case sometime in the future if my kids or grand kids face this same trial or one just as hard they will hopefully be able to read what I've written and see that yes there are hard times and it's OK. Time will hopefully heal but I don't think it will ever take away the hole in my heart. We have to experience the bitter to feel the sweet. As Elder Maxwell said: "It is something we must bear ourselves in order that our triumph can be complete."
Posted by Andrea at 10:13 AM
Monday, October 20, 2008
Since Wyatt's passing there have been so many days where I have thought "how am I going to breathe for another day when a part of me isn't breathing anymore?" That thought came to me this morning in fact. The heaviness of grief and loss can make just doing the simple almost impossible. There have been days I really didn't want to breathe anymore but knew I had to. I'm grateful those days are not as often but they do still come--unexpectedly.
Hayley has started taking Wyatt's roll as far as getting up in the night. Lately she has been getting up around 4am the same time as Wyatt use to wake up to eat. She climbs in bed with me and snuggles up to me. I enjoy this time so much...to just feel and hear her breathe. I watch as her stomach goes up and down. It makes me realize how grateful I am for her breaths along with Tyler's, Emily's and Derek's. It helps me to try and breathe and know I still have wonderful blessings in my life.
Today at Costco there was a newborn baby crying--it took my breath away. For an instant it brought back what I had a year ago and I had to think is he really gone? Oh, it's just plain hard! Anyway, this baby was stuck in his car seat and the mom was just busy shopping and was ignoring him. I wanted to run up to the mother and tell her to pick him up--love him, kiss him, snuggle with him, cherish every second with him because you never know how long you will have him. I didn't do that but man it's tempting sometimes. Then I realize I need to do that with my kids that are with me now. I have much to be grateful for.
I know I have said this before but losing Wyatt has put so many things into perspective for me. Things I thought mattered before really don't matter now. I would do any thing or give away any thing to have him back in my arms again....breathing!
Posted by Andrea at 7:40 PM
Friday, October 17, 2008
Helamen 5:12: And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the
rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your
foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his
shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall
beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of
misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a
sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.
I've also thought a lot about the tree of life and Lehi's dream. I can almost see myself literally hanging onto the rod of iron(the word of God) with all my might as the mist of darkness surrounds me. On some of my hardest and most discouraging days the only thing that has helped me out of that darkness for a moment is the word of God. It's has come from the words of prophets, apostles and from the scriptures. I've felt the comfort that comes from cleaving to those things. How grateful I am for inspiring words. I can't tell you how many times I've been having a hard moment and just opened the scriptures to whatever page it happens to be on and there has always been a scripture that has either lifted me up or eased my burden for a moment. I'm grateful for those tender mercies in my life.
The other thing that has literally helped me through this mist of darkness is the many angels in my life. Ones that know what it's like to lose a child and ones that don't fully understand but are there to encourage, lift and help me. How grateful I am for everyone that has touched my heart and helped ease my burden by being there to comfort and mourn with me.
This life is a test and wasn't meant to be easy. We will each be tested to see who's side we are on. I know through the Savior Jesus Christ we can make it through all the tests we are given in this life. He is the one that fully knows what it's like to go through each and every trial, sickness, heartache, discouragement, sin, death ---everything! Alma 7:12: "...that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to his infirmities." He knows how to comfort, bless and help us because he has experienced it. How grateful I am that he is there and that he knows how to comfort me through the scriptures, with the Holy Ghost and by placing amazing people in my life. I know through him I can make it through the storms of life and Satan will have no power. I have hope of spending eternity with all of my kids and with my sweet husband.
Posted by Andrea at 11:57 PM
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
I knew it would be hard to get back from vacation but I didn't realize how hard it would be. I was able to put the grief away for a bit but it was waiting for me when I got home. I guess being away from my kids and returning made Wyatt's absence even more profound for me. It was a sweet reunion as we hugged each other. But there was something missing...Wyatt. It will be a glorious day when we are all together again as a family. As we were sitting around at the bar eating lunch on Saturday the empty bar stool where Wyatt should be stood out more than it ever has.
Yesterday was an especially hard day. 7 months since Wyatt passed away. Also, a year ago yesterday was Wyatt's baby blessing and Emily's baptism. I hadn't remembered that it was on the 13th of last year until Emily pointed that out to me. Little did I know a year ago that I would only have 5 more months with my baby. I found the journal page I had made for Wyatt's scrapbook it was exactly a year ago today that I wrote this. I've taken out what I had remembered about his blessing but included everything else. Looking back at a year ago I had not idea in the world that he wouldn't be here and that I would be mourning his absence. Oh, it's just so hard.
October 14, 2007
You were born on Friday, September 21st at 7:42am. Your mom and dad were thrilled to have you here. Your older brother and sisters were extremely excited to finally meet you. You weighed 6 lbs. 14 oz. and was 20 1/2 inches long. You had a little trouble breathing the first few hours and you were on oxygen to help you breath but you were soon able to breath on your own.
You are truly a gift from heaven! You are absolutely perfect. Your mom fell in love with you the second she saw you. You are a cherished gift from our Heavenly Father. You have brought such incredible happiness and joy to our family and we feel so blessed to have you as part of our family. You seem so small to us and we are enjoying just holding and looking at your tiny features. You are held all the time with your brother, sisters and parents constantly enjoying you.
Yesterday you were given a name and a blessing by your dad. It was an extra special day because your sister Emily was baptized at the same time. Your dad gave you such a neat blessing. Your grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins were there to enjoy this special occasion. You were passed around all day with everyone enjoying you. It was an absolutely beautiful day with incredible weather, wonderful friends and family.
Wyatt we are so grateful to have you in our life. You are so much fun! We are cherishing every little thing you do. We love you so much and are so grateful that you are part of our life. You are truly a gift from Heaven!
October 14, 2008
Oh, how we miss the joy you brought to our family. The completeness we felt and the happiness that radiated in our home. You are missed every second of the day and night. Oh, how we look forward to the day with hope and joy when you are in our arms again. You are now a gift in heaven waiting for each of us to return. How we anticipate enjoying you once again. We miss and love you Wyatt!
Posted by Andrea at 1:12 PM
Well, it was a day I needed a Wyatt moment. I prayed to see a butterfly just to know Wyatt is aware but knew that it probably wouldn't happen since it's gotten cold here all of the sudden. If I was a butterfly I would skip town too. I even went on a walk which I really didn't want to do just in case there might be a butterfly out there. There wasn't.
My sweet Tyler got home from school and I always ask how his day went. He said great! I'm so grateful for my kids...they are amazing. I asked why his day was so great and he said he got 35/25 on his art project. He loves extra credit and being able to make his already high score higher is always an added plus for him. I asked him to show me what he had drawn to get such a great score. He pulled out this
I held back the tears. It was the Wyatt moment I needed. It helped me pick up and do the things I needed to do for the rest of the day. Thank you Tyler for being an answer to my prayers.
Posted by Andrea at 1:10 PM
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Posted by Andrea at 11:10 AM
Thursday, October 2, 2008
We had some frequent flier miles we needed to use or lose so we are going to Maui tomorrow. I haven't told very many people about it maybe because I'm feeling a little guilty that I'm not extremely excited. Don't get me wrong--I'm excited but probably not as excited as I would have been lets say ...7 months ago. So we are going to spend a week together building our relationship and making sure it survives through the storm we are going through right now. Thank you to Derek's parents for coming and spending a week with our kids and thanks to my parents for helping us out on our accommodations. Until later...Aloha!
Posted by Andrea at 6:15 PM