Tuesday, September 30, 2008


I've noticed the last week or so Halloween decorations appearing on peoples porches and houses. It hasn't even dawned on me that maybe I should be decorating until today. That is when I realized that I am not the same person as a year ago. If anyone knows me I enjoy decorating and creating memories--especially for holiday's. I have a lot of fun decorations I've made and bought. I enjoy getting them out each year--until this year. It just seems so --how do I word it? Trivial. I guess the thoughts of a holiday and any celebrating going on without Wyatt involved doesn't excite me. I'm sure it's all a part of the grief and mourning. I'm sure in a year or two I will be back to my decorating frenzy but until then I just don't see the point. Until I look at my other kids and see what they would be missing out on if their mom didn't make these holidays fun for them. If it wasn't for them I really wouldn't do a thing. I probably would still be in bed crying. So I'm grateful for my kids. I'm not necessarily grateful for these holiday's that will be coming up. At least not this year. But I'm so grateful for the motivation my kids give me.
Wyatt was with us last year for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Valentines. I'm afraid his absence is going to tug at my heart extra hard this year. I loved how he didn't care that he was a peacock last year for Halloween and he didn't care that most people thought he was a girl. This year he would have been at such a fun age for all of these holiday's coming up. My brain just wants to boycott all holiday's for the rest of my life but my heart and love for my kids tells me other wise.

Wyatt as a peacock.


jel-gar said...

Andrea -
That is the cutest costume I have ever seen! It shows just how special Wyatt was to endure wearing it :). I pray for you during the holidays that are coming up that are still filled with sweet memories of Wyatt. I'm glad the memories are still so vivid and alive but pray that you can make it through them with extra tender mercies from Heavenly Father. Sincerely - Janelle

Krainich Family said...

I hear you on what your saying. Don't rush back into "being yourself" your old self won't return, but with years you will find your new self. What works for you now with grief mixed into the equation. For me it was cooking. I cooked every night, after James died, I couldn't focus. One thing we did for the holidays (the first one mind you feels like it's imbearable, we hardly celebrated, so be easy on yourself if your not your normal chipper self.) Was, we dedicated our tree to James. Everyone who knew James, or even if they did not know him, but loved us through the trial donated an ornament that represented James. We decorate our tree every year with his ornaments and it's our way of having him in our home every year during the holidays. It's a reminder of him, the tree is matter that fills the air he would be existing in if he were here. One more thing that we have done that we love is we find a child who is the age James would be, so this year, we will find a 4 year old who is in need and buy his christmas for him. We figure we would be buying those gifts if James were here, that way when we see items and find ourselves saying "James would just love that." It doesn't hurt so badly because we can still buy them and bless another families life. Hopefully these are some traditions you can think about and maybe tweak to fit what you think might help with your loss. Much love, Michelle

Eileen said...

That photo is so adorable! I'm so impressed at the number of photos you have of your little angel. All cute, all good quality, and all ever so priceless! Someone was talking to me about your blog, they had seen it through mine, and said: "I can't believe how cute he is. He is seriously one of the cutest babies I have EVER seen." I'm so glad you captured all of his beauty in the miracle of photography. And again, "Mother of the Year Award", ANDREA LARSEN! You are loved.

neener said...

Andrea, I love the photo of Wyatt. Halloween is a hard time around here since his birthday is the day before. I really enjoyed Michelles comments... they were helpful to me.. thanks

Natalie said...

I love those pictures of Wyatt. I will continue to pray for you. I'm sure this will be a tough holiday season for you. I love you!

Robyn said...

I love the peacock costume! You are the most amazing mother. I still have my 4th of July stuff on my porch if that makes you feel any better! I love you and if I lived closer, I would come and get your decorations out. Take care XOXO!

Allred Mom said...

You don't know me, but I wanted to let you know that I keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I am a friend of Megan's and through her blog, I found yours a while back. I have followed you as you have experienced each step of grief on this path. I have heard the beautiful music from the CD that you sent to Megan and also saw the 2 "Wyatt" balloons that they had to send into the sky for Wyatt's birthday. I have felt extreme sadness for you and your great loss of your precious little boy. May you find the peace and comfort you need, as well as feel the love of the Savior as you continue on this journey that we call grief. Rachel

Davis said...

Andrea-- I have been reading your blogs for quite some time and after attending Staheli farms today with you and others from our neighborhood I feel so impressed to tell you how much inspiration you are to me. YOU are a choice daughter of our divine and loving Father in Heaven. I feel your strength and energy. I feel you sadness, I feel your pain. I am still so sorry for this time that you and your family get to endure through. Each of you are a strength to our community and to the ward. Thanks for sharing your real and raw emtion, for allowing me to be a part of this. For allowing me to grow by sharing your testimony through this . I love you and your family.
Stephanie Matthews

Michelle said...

Andrea, a friend pointed me to your blog, and I am so glad. We lost our precious Benjamin just before his birth last November, and I grieve so deeply for him. It helps so much to read that you are experiencing many of the same emotions. I can so relate to your wish to boycott the holidays! It was so hard to have Christmas right after losing Benjamin, and I never would have made it if it weren't for angelic, supportive family and friends!
We are coming up on Benjamin's birthday ( he would have been about 2 months younger than Wyatt ), and I love the balloons idea. Do you know where your sister got those printed?
You can email me at michellebbaker{at}gmail.
I will be reading your past posts. Almost every one of them has made me cry. Thank you so much for your beautiful, uplifting, real words!
Prayers and {hugs},