Monday, July 14, 2008

"Today"

"Oh, mom please take this stupid hat off of me!"
Those are the words probably going through Wyatt's head at the time of these
picture. These pictures make me laugh. Ok ,that might seem weird but he is just
so cute when he cries. Maybe I got this from my niece Jill that loves to see
babies cry. Anyway I'm grateful I have pictures of him crying. By the way I did
take the hat off and cuddled him after taking these pictures. Oh, I miss that!
It seems like when I recognize the tender mercies in my life and I'm grateful for all of those things --that's when it gets hard again. It's such a vicious cycle. Yesterday was a challenging day. Sundays are hard--you would think they would be the best day of the week for me but they aren't. Yesterday also was the 4 month marker since Wyatt died. Those little mile stones can be bitter sweet. On one hand it's been 4 of the hardest months of my life and my arms still continue to ache to hold my Wyatt. But it also means I'm that much closer to being with him again. That might sound strange to some of you but when you are missing something so bad that every fiber of your being aches to have it again-- each day means you are that much closer.
There is a quote I love and I read it most days. It's by Orson F. Whitney, he said:

"No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It
ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience,
faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure,
especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our
hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy
to be called the children of God...and it is through sorrow and suffering , toil
and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire and
which will make us more like our Father and mother in heaven. "

This quote gives me great comfort and knowledge. I am so grateful for it. But there are days I don't really appreciate it like I should. Those days I wish I didn't have to learn all of these things. I start having my pity parties and wonder why me? That's when I have to tell myself why not me? I'm not immune to this --none of us are. It is what I've been asked to go through and I had better learn everything I'm suppose to learn. Then and only then will I be able to be what my Heavenly Father wants me to be. This is why we are here to learn and grow and show our complete devotion to a loving Heavenly Father.
I look back in the last 4 months and I see how much I have changed. Someways good and someways not so good. I have learned so much and continue to learn each day.

I love the last part of the song "Who'd you be today?" it says: "The only thing that gives me hope is... I know, I will see you again someday."

What a wonderful day that will be my sweet Wyatt!

8 comments:

Shelly Geller said...

Andrea. . what a strength you are to me! You are so strong so early in your loss. You grow so much. . it's definitely a refiners fire. It's painful, it's hot, but it will turn you into a beautiful creation if you are molded by the Lord's hand. I never knew what the refiner's fire really was until James passed. I know exactly what you mean with time. You want it to pass, yet you don't 1 day means the closer you are to seeing him again, yet that 1 day means your memory fades just a little more and it means you are without him that time. One day we will wake up and be 80 and wonder how we got through all our "days". Hopefully at that point in our lives we can tell our grandchildren that we led a happy life and that it wasn't grief stricken the entire time. Lots of prayers for you and yours.
love,
James' Momma
Michelle

Jenna said...

Oh, I love his little cry face. What a sweet boy. I am always praying for you and your family. YOu are so strong!

Jill said...

You're right. I sure do love seeing babies cry! It's SO cute and so fun to cuddle them afterwards. I love those pictures! 4 months of the cycle and you're doing a great job! You're grieving perfectly as Wyatt's mom. I'm proud of you. Thoughts and prayers are with you Anderla!

Jill said...

He looks like Hayley in those crying pictures. They look so much alike to me. SOOO cute!!

gcashton said...

I love that quote too. It has helped me so much to read it when I'm feeling discouraged--to remember that there is a purpose in this. I love those pictures of Wyatt. I just want to kiss his little cheeks. I have one "cry baby" picture of Zach sitting on Santa's lap. I love it because he was so scared and he was just reaching for me to make it all better. That's what being a mother is all about--and that's why this is such a difficult time for us. Of course it is.
I love your real and beautiful descriptions of this grieving process. You are such a beautiful person in every way.

neener said...

I wanted to share with you a card that a friend of mine sent to me after Tanner died. She had lost her youngest daughter 5 mon earlier and was a great strength to me as I wasn't expecting him to turn for the worse....she wrote a scripture from Isaiah 41:3 "For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear, I will help you. " I am so greatful for the knowledge we have that we will hold our little ones again one day soon. Sending you lots of love.

Jon and Jessica Bryant said...

Andrea you are incredible. In my lesson on sunday I talked about the strength you are to me and what an amazing person you are. You are taking this trial and allowing it to refine you even if it is so hard. We are here for you and continually praying for you! I wish so much that we were closer, but I want you to know that you are an shining example to me. I love you!

Natalie said...

I remember when you took these pictures on Christmas Eve before you guys left for St. George. It still seems unreal to me that he is not here. This is truly one of my most memorable times with Wyatt. I didn't get to see him very often and that saddens me. I remember how excited I was to have Jake seeing you with Wyatt on that Christmas Eve. I loved this little hat on him and I agree, I love how cute babies look when they cry. Maybe it's because crying is their way of expressing that they need us. It's amazing to think how much Wyatt needed you and is continueing to rely on you. He needed a mom that would able to love him for his short time in this life and then be strong enough to be able to continue living righteous enough to love and live with him in the next. You are doing so great and I know Wyatt is cheering you on. You are greatly needed by all of us. You are helping so many people with your testimony and greif. I love you. He is such a cute baby and I will always treasure that Christmas memory!