Tuesday, July 8, 2008

"Grief"

Wyatt's feet
My zest for life is gone right now. Those things I enjoyed doing before Wyatt died don't excite me anymore. Actually, nothing excites me. This would be called Grief. It's ugly and can come at you at any time and knock you off your feet--literally. Grief is beyond anything I ever imagined. Actually, I didn't even know it existed until now. The tears, the heart ache, the dark, dark days, the stomachaches, the roller coaster of emotions. All of it so hard! I thought when Wyatt passed away that the faith and knowledge the gospel gives would make things easier. In so many ways it has but as far as the grief aspect of things it doesn't take that away. I've been reading "Jesus Wept" (thank you Gillian for sending it to me). They talk about how grief is work. It's probably the hardest work we will ever have to do. I would have to agree with that. It affects you emotionally, physically, spiritually and socially. Emotions are at the surface all the time ready to explode and most times I have to swallow it and try and act like it's OK. I know that some think by now (it being almost 4 months) I should be moving on, that I should be over this, that I should stop dwelling on what I don't have anymore and enjoy what I do have. They are not aware of the affects of grief. It's going to be a long and hard year or two from what I've heard and have read. It might get easier but it won't completely go away. I lost one of the most important things in my life because of that I have that much more to grieve. When you go through something like this you wonder about many things and there are a lot of Whys? I have wondered at times if I was going through this so that I would appreciate what I have. I might in some ways appreciate things more but I knew what I had before all this happened. I cherished every moment I had with Wyatt, my kids and husband. I didn't need this trial to let me realize that I was blessed. I know exactly what I'm missing out on. I truly feel robbed of so many moments and joys that I will not get to experience with my sweet little baby. I'm sure my Heavenly Father has something in store for me.
Elder James E. Faust states: "In the pain, the agony and the heroic endeavors of
life, we pass through the refiners fire, and the insignificant and the
unimportant in our lives can melt away like dross and make our faith bright,
intact and strong. This change comes about through a refining process which
often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in
the hands of the Master."
I'm hoping that through this difficult and challenging time in my life, as I'm going through "the refiners fire" that I will become what my Heavenly Father envisions me to be.

12 comments:

Jill said...

You are grieving beautifully in my opinion Andrea. I know I've told you that before, but I'm amazed at how you're facing this trial head on and unashamed of how YOU are feeling through it, not how you "should" be feeling. No matter what anyone says, you're dealing with this exactly how you should be, and because of that, you WILL become the version of you the LORD wants and knows you can become. I love you!

The Morris Family said...

Thanks for stopping by, I am amazingly heavy hearted that so many are in this "club." Your little guy is so sweet. I know for me the grieving has to come out and most often it is through tears. The scriptures of the Lord Jesus Christ has been the only comfort through this trial. Jesus says that he is the way, the truth and the life and His truth shall set us free, it is only in and through him that we can face this great trial of faith. May his truth comfort and give you the grace to go forward.
Cindy Morris

Natalie said...

I am so grateful that you are so open with your feelings. You have taught me so much as you have shared your true feelings. Thank you for being real and teaching me so much. I love you!

gcashton said...

Amen to everything! It is so hard for anyone to understand what grief is until they go through it themselves. You have described it in a very real way. The Gospel provides us with the amazing answers we need to survive this, but it does not take away the pain, or the sorrow. It is a wonderful resource, but not a cure.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful insights and your experiences. You have helped me to endure my own grief. You are teaching others how to "understand".
I love the adorable picture of Wyatt's feet--what a beautiful little baby.

neener said...

Ditto! What else can I say, as you feel how I feel.
Sending my love to you.

jvance said...

I just was finally able to get a connection to the internet and thought I would check out your blog - I cried when I saw the picture of Wyatt's little newborn feet. Together with your thoughts, they speak volumes! I know that you probably are tired of people telling you that you are helping them so much (when you have lost SO MUCH), but you are influencing many and helping them learn. I love and appreciate you and I don't think that typed words can communicate that - Just keep expressing how grief is making you feel because I know that doing so will in a small way help you get through another day without your sweet little Wyatt. Good for you for having the courage to say what you are feeling!
I saw many butterflies when we were doing a walking tour of Philadelphia today, so I had many Wyatt moments! I'll talk to you soon! I love you Andrea!

Suzanne said...

Dear Andrea,
Okay, so I've written 5 posts for you, and they are still in my drafts.

I'm being so careful with my words, maybe too careful. So here goes nothing.

Andrea, I love how even he who created the entire universe and numbered the sands of the sea, the hairs on our heads, and played the most important role in the plan of salvation, the Savior still had it in him to weep. There in the shortest scripture. A scripture that was given it's own verse number because of it's significance. "JESUS WEPT".

He knew the plan,he knew more than anyone what the next life would be like, how beautiful and wonderful it would be, and he even knew he would raise Lazarus from the dead, and yet still gave himself time to weep before he called him from the grave.

You will have time to weep. You have lost a limb of your body, your soul.

You were just getting to know your Wyatt. You were learning just how much he really was yours.

While you wern't given the time to sort it all out and to learn of his favorite color, sport and what size shoes he'd wear as a teenager, I want to testify to you of something that was life altering for me.

While in the mission field I got a letter from some guy in my parents ward, at the top of the letter there was an "Ancient Indian Legend" that said:

Those who leave us in this life can be closer to us in death than they were in life.

In your case, this especially could be true. You didn't see him help a friend tie his shoes, or bare his testimony in Primary, but you knew his spirit. And perhaps, as wild as it may sound, knowing and feeling his spirit now might teach you more of what he really is. You just might learn why Heavenly Father needed him back so quickly.

Watch yourself, on the days you pray to feel his presence. Because you will. You will find youself overcoming your natural man more easily, you will find missionary work to be your greatest adventure. You will have more love for others. He will be your perfect bridge between who you are, scaled and heavy ladened to your savior whose burden is light.

So, what I tried to say, in my last 5 drafts, I'll say now. Andrea, if you want to balance out that greif, if you truly want to call upon that promise of your joys equalling to your sorrows, you will just have to be where Wyatt is. He is one busy little guy, remember, there was a reason why he was needed back so early. The Lord saw him more effective on his side of the veil.

I think of all of Barry's strong attributes, and know that he wants to share them with me. When I am in a pivitol situation I feel so much more powerful to overcome myself knowing Barry possess so many qualities that don't come natural to me.

So when your trials come, in all their shapes and sizes, Wyatt will be there. He will be among your biggest fighters for your cause. Why? Because he wants to be there for you maybe even more than you know. Can you think of any greater cause for his concern than his very own eternal unit, his family?

I believe what you said about Tyler having great mission b/c he will have Wyatt's help. I also believe that you can also pull from that.

You will come to know him even more as you do align your life with the will of the Father as Wyatt has.

I have many songs on my blog playlist dedicated or in memory of my brother. Here are a couple that could illustrate what I am saying:

Indigo Girls: Power of Two
Club Escape: I'll Be There.

Of course, they aren't written or sung by people of our faith, but the message is all the same.

Take care Andrea, and I pray that you'll have as many Wyatt moments as you need, and that you come to know him so much better as you become engages in the work that he is doing now.

Your Stranger Friend-- Suzanne
PS. Here is a Barry story on my blog from long ago, if you're interested: http://chinacaltons.blogspot.com/2008/04/happy-feet.html

PSS. Okay, one more, plan what you're doing for his birthday-- soup kitchen, helping the needy etc... You'll want to have a birthday you know he'll attend. Planning it will not only help you to look forward to it, but it's an awesome family tradition.

Jenna said...

I hope and pray for some comfort and relief for you. I bet your little guy is watching you all the time and he wants you to be as happy as he is......even though he knows it is some of your hardest days in this life. He is cheering you on and he is your guardian Angel now. I know it is so hard, but I pray for some relief. You are a great person, and I know the Lord will bless you to the end. Don't ever be ashamed about grieving either......that is what we must do to come to that Peace one day. Your family is beautiful! May God be with you all!! Love-Jenna Lines

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Krainich Family said...

How my heart ahces for you that you have to experience this. It's awful. I know. The roller coaster is vicious right now Andrea. It rages and it's full of hills and valleys and speed. Hold on. That's the best piece of advice I can give, is simply, hold on. The roller coaster never ever stops. But sometimes it slows down and is bearable to ride. These are the darkest days, these are the days that the only light you will find are through the savior and your family. I still lack for ambition even 2 years later. I make myself for the sake of getting my mind off of what is missing. Oh, my dear. My heart aches for us mums who have to go through this. Much love.
-mk

TexasTwinsTwice said...

I found your blog through a comment you made on another, and I just want to say how sorry I am for your loss. Your children are all beautiful! I agree--it's so wonderful to have the gospel, but no doubt you will still feel the pain and grief of your child's death. I don't think anyone would expect otherwise! I know mothers that still tear up and get emotional talking about their children that passed on over 20 years ago. You are totally normal, so don't be so hard on yourself. I pray that the comforter will be with you during your struggles, and I will keep your family in my prayers!

Jessica said...

Andrea, I hope you don't mind me commenting on your blog... I too am a stranger but found your blog through our friends, the Hinckleys (Baby Macs mom and dad). Tears have been streaming down my face reading what you are going through. I have to say I really loved this particular post because I have read several (baby Macs angel friends) blogs lately about loosing babies. Being a mother of six young children it has really been tough for me to imagine what you are all going through. I have made comments before about not being able to deal with loosing a child. This post is how I would be... I too believe in eternal families and would hope that having this knowledge would make it easier. And I am sure it makes it easier but wow... it could never take the pain away. I will say a special prayer for you tonight. Your son is beautiful and I am so sorry for your loss.