My zest for life is gone right now. Those things I enjoyed doing before Wyatt died don't excite me anymore. Actually, nothing excites me. This would be called Grief. It's ugly and can come at you at any time and knock you off your feet--literally. Grief is beyond anything I ever imagined. Actually, I didn't even know it existed until now. The tears, the heart ache, the dark, dark days, the stomachaches, the roller coaster of emotions. All of it so hard! I thought when Wyatt passed away that the faith and knowledge the gospel gives would make things easier. In so many ways it has but as far as the grief aspect of things it doesn't take that away. I've been reading "Jesus Wept" (thank you Gillian for sending it to me). They talk about how grief is work. It's probably the hardest work we will ever have to do. I would have to agree with that. It affects you emotionally, physically, spiritually and socially. Emotions are at the surface all the time ready to explode and most times I have to swallow it and try and act like it's OK. I know that some think by now (it being almost 4 months) I should be moving on, that I should be over this, that I should stop dwelling on what I don't have anymore and enjoy what I do have. They are not aware of the affects of grief. It's going to be a long and hard year or two from what I've heard and have read. It might get easier but it won't completely go away. I lost one of the most important things in my life because of that I have that much more to grieve. When you go through something like this you wonder about many things and there are a lot of Whys? I have wondered at times if I was going through this so that I would appreciate what I have. I might in some ways appreciate things more but I knew what I had before all this happened. I cherished every moment I had with Wyatt, my kids and husband. I didn't need this trial to let me realize that I was blessed. I know exactly what I'm missing out on. I truly feel robbed of so many moments and joys that I will not get to experience with my sweet little baby. I'm sure my Heavenly Father has something in store for me.
Elder James E. Faust states: "In the pain, the agony and the heroic endeavors ofI'm hoping that through this difficult and challenging time in my life, as I'm going through "the refiners fire" that I will become what my Heavenly Father envisions me to be.
life, we pass through the refiners fire, and the insignificant and the
unimportant in our lives can melt away like dross and make our faith bright,
intact and strong. This change comes about through a refining process which
often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in
the hands of the Master."