Saturday, June 21, 2008

"Lost Dreams"

Yesterday was an emotional day. I cleaned out our storage room and went through all the things that I had kept of Tyler's for Wyatt. I had 5 big containers filled with shoes, clothes, coats etc. etc. It was so hard to go through all of these things and know that Wyatt wouldn't be using them. I only kept a few things that Tyler might want or I just couldn't get rid of. It still doesn't seem real that my little one is gone. All the dreams and hopes I had for him are gone. I had pictured Wyatt in so many of these clothes and shoes. Each stage of the first year is gone. He would be crawling right now or even starting to walk. Today he would have been 9 months old. Tyler was walking at 9 months. Last night Tyler had a piano recital. Just a few months ago we went to his recital and Wyatt was with us. It just doesn't seem real that he is gone. Whenever we go anywhere I feel like something is missing and then the realization hits me that yes one of the most important things is missing. Before the recital I looked at some of the videos we had taken on the video camera. I watched the last video I had taken of Wyatt and also found a part where he was crying. I'm so grateful I have him crying. I have been longing to hear his cry again. I cried the whole way to the recital. Oh how I miss my little boy.
I'm grateful for the fingerprints from Hayley on my nice clean windows. I grateful for the messes and dirty dishes left by little one. I'm grateful for the hugs, kisses and sweetness from Tyler, Emily and Hayley. These things show me that yes I still have 3 beautiful children to love and care for. We have talked about how wonderful it is going to be in the millennium when we all get to watch little Wyatt crawl, walk and talk. It will be a glorious day.

Tyler did an awesome job at his recital. Way to go Tyler!

We went to the Orem summerfest, parade and fireworks last weekend. Hayley thought the carnival was Disneyland. Needless to say she loved it --so did Tyler and Emily. Thanks Grandma and Grandpa for taking us to the carnival.
Thanks Kurt and Shanna for getting us spots for the parade and for the yummy sno-cones.


Jill said...

Love the pictures!...very candid. Good for you for going through those things of Tylers! That sure would be a hard thing, but I still say good for you! It's so neat to watch you react during this trial (although it totally sucks too). I know I've told you this before, but really, it's incredible to listen to you express how you appreciate the gospel as well as the little parts about raising your kids. You're a great mom and an amazing woman!

Elyse said...

I am so glad that I stopped by your blog right now! I was feeling so frustrated cause I just cleaned the sliding door and Kaden ran over and smeared his little hands all over it and licked the glass too. I was also just telling Mike that my least favorite part of the day is cleaning up the messes after they eat. Thanks for making me realize that those things don't matter and to just enjoy the little moments with them. You're the best!

gcashton said...

I just wanted to say I stumbled upon your blog and have appreciated what you have shared. I feel a connection to you, although we don't know eachother. I lost my youngest son 4 months ago in a car accident and can completely relate to your experiences. I usually know better than to say, "I know what you're going through" because each experience is so different. But almost everything you have shared has completely rung true for me. You're doing a better job at staying positive than I am right now, so I appreciate your reminder. It's a daily battle, isn't it?
Anyway, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I'm so sorry about your sweet Wyatt.

neener said...

Hi Andrea,
I haven't been able to go through my son's clothes yet... it is so painful. This afternoon like every other Sunday we like to watch home movies of the kids and we just so happened to watch the video of Tanner learning to crawl 3yrs ago. I feel your pain aswell and it is so hard sometimes to get through each day. I appreaciate your blogs. Thanks for today's post. All our love to you and your family.