Saturday, June 28, 2008

"Wyatt's Room"

I have struggled with Wyatt's room. It use to be my most favorite room in our house. I loved his crib and enjoyed the blue with the white walls. The night we got back from the hospital and walked in our house the spiritual high I was on left and the grief took over. This was where I spent ever second of ever day with him. There is a special spirit that is in your home when you have a baby there. I felt the absence of that special spirit the moment we entered. I have continued to feel that each day. Many of our friends and neighbors had come in our home and cleaned it, left our fridge full of food and filled our pantry. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude from the wonderful people in our life. The first place I went to when we got home from the hospital was to Wyatt's room. It was perfect with all of his things. Emily and I sat on the floor and cried and cried. I now struggle with his sweet room because it's not what I had pictured. I had pictured many wonderful moment in there. It's so hard every morning to get up and realize that I'm not going to be able to go in his room and get him out of his crib and see his smiling face and give him a big hug. It always brightened my day to get him out of his crib. Now there is not a crib, a cradle or changing table. His toys are put away. His walker and swing are gone and all the memories I should be making with him are gone. A week after Wyatt's funeral we gave his crib, changing table, car seat, diapers(I had just bought a new big pack of diapers), some clothes and other items that didn't have to much sentimental value to a lady in our ward that was going to have a baby boy in a month. She didn't have any of these things and was struggling. It was a very hard day for me to see all of his things go but it was also comforting to know that they were going to someone that really needed them. I took everything down from the hutch in his room and I felt so awful. I then realized I needed to keep this one thing full of his stuff and pictures. I will often go in his room and cry and think of him. I'm hoping to get a nice comfortable chair for his room and make it into a reading room. I have attached some before pictures and some present day pictures of his room.
I think of him every second of every day. I don't think there will ever be a day that goes by that I won't think of him. It might lessen as time goes on but he will forever be in my heart and mind. My friend Jen Gozart from my group sent me this quote by Lloyd Newell he said: "Mourning is a form of rejoicing...a gratitude of love, for memories, for life." Jen said to me "feeling the grief that I'm feeling is just evidence of the love I have for Wyatt." Grief is such a real thing that I had no idea existed until now. I miss my little boy. I don't think it's just going to go away. I think as time goes on it will get easier but because I loved him so much I think it's going to take that much longer for the sorrow to lessen.
Before


Now Before
Now

3 comments:

Jen G. said...

His room is beautiful--I could just feel his sweet spirit through the pictures. I'm so sorry his room is empty now, and that this is so hard. I'm sure Wyatt is proud of his family!

Thanks for sharing,

Jen

Jill said...

I know that there still is a special spirit in your home Andrea! My mom felt that very strongly there. Your family has been through something that allows the spirit to fill your home, and I can't wait to come visit you guys, walk into Wyatt's room, and feel that tangible spirit of the Lord and little Wyatt. I imagine his room being a very reverent room. That's special. Good idea to make it a reading room.

gcashton said...

What a beautiful room--then and now. I'm so glad you took pictures. I'm sad right now because after looking at Wyatt's beautiful room, I realized that I never took a picture of Zach's room.
I was thinking today, when I saw a mother holding her sleeping baby boy--that our boys will forever stay in our memories as sweet baby boys--no tantrums, no talking back, no growing up and losing their "babyness". Just perfect, sweet little boys--and one day we'll have them again. Wyatt's beautiful room is the perfect baby boy room. Thanks for sharing.