Friday, May 30, 2008

"Tears"

Mornings are the hardest for me. I think reality hits me that Wyatt is not here anymore and that I have to go through another day without him. That's when I start praying for help to make it through another day. I then want to look at pictures of him. I worry that his memory might be fading. Then I add more tears to my tear soup. Some days more then others. Don't get me wrong I don't sit around all day crying and looking at pictures but I do shed a few tears here and there.
I have done a lot of reading lately and it has brought me great comfort. There was a question posed in one of the books that I've read. It said: "Is it possible that if one really accepts the gospel and its teachings, one would have no desire to cry? I have wondered because I am crying and continuing to mourn Wyatt's passing that I might be lacking in faith. Why do I continue to cry and mourn? In D&C it reads "Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for them that die."

Brigham Young said: "We should strive to seek knowledge and understanding
through the spirit of the Lord, that our grief and weeping not be uncontrolled.
But we must not lose sight of the fact that we live in this mortal vale of tears
and sorrow. Such tears need not represent a rebellion against the will of the
Lord but only sorrow at being parted from a dear one.

Gordon T. Allred also stated: "Mormons with all their radiant optimism, do not
regard death lightly. Like birth, it is a sacred thing, a matter of profound
significance marking the commencement of a new epoch in human advancement. The
tears shed are real enough, and why pretend that the passing of a loved one or
friend is not the most poignant, the most painful matter of all earthly
experience?.....No, for the most part, the tears that fall do not result from
doubt, hopelessness, or the common supposition of the world that dying is the
ultimate tragedy, the irretrievable loss. Rather, they evidence the natural
feelings of emptiness that accompanies any lengthy separation between people who
have dwelt together in intimate faith and love."

After reading these quotes it has helped me realize that it is normal for me to feel what I'm feeling. My tears are not of doubt , lack of faith or hopelessness but of emptiness from being separated from one of "my every things". Another quote I like from the Liahona states:

"It is right to let our tears flow over the dead. Not to shed them would be
inhuman; and they relieve the pressure on heart and brain."

This has been so true for me. Tears have been therapeutic for me. This life seems really long for me right now, probably because it seems like forever until I will get to hold my sweet baby again and kiss his little cheeks. I don't know how long tears will continue to fall for me but I feel it's part of the healing process and because I have suffered such a great loss I will continue to shed tears for my sweet little Wyatt. I will continue to keep his memory alive for me and for my kids and husband. I feel a great need for that. Maybe, I'm scared that life will go on and he will be forgotten. That is why I continue to put pictures of Wyatt on this blog. I am trying to do my best each day to just breath, live and enjoy this life without my baby. Yesterday while looking through my closet I found this little sweater that Wyatt wore for Christmas. I had to take a moment and cry like I have with all of his things. Oh, how I miss his sweet little face. I know that tears will decrease as time goes on but I hope the memory of him will last with me and my family throughout life. I can almost taste the sweet reunion we will have with Wyatt. What a great day to look forward to!!

4 comments:

Amanda said...

Andrea you are amazing!!!

Melissa said...

What a darling little man! It's ok to cry and remember him! He wont be forgotten because he is so so loved!

Melissa

Linda Pickles said...

I was so touched by your comments. This is such a hard time for you, and continues to be painful, but you're doing the right things and gaining insights and perspective that most of us have yet to receive.
I, too, notice butterflies as your Mom shared that experience at the hospital with us. Everytime I see one, I think of you and ittle Wyatt.
My niece in Canada lost her son a year or so ago-he was 2--and it was a rainbow that has touched her life again and again. Would you mind if I gave her your blogspot? I think she would receive great comfort from your insights, and she might be able to share with you, as well.
We love you!
Aunt Linda and Uncle Jeff

Jill said...

Wow! That insight gets me thinking. First of all, Tears are absolutely healing!! Bravo for you recognizing how helpful they are...not faithless.

I know that you have a perspective of eternal principles that not many have. I remember Wyatt's funeral as a celebration of his short but amazing life. I was able to appreciate the opportunity little Wyatt has to progress in a way we can't even yet comprehend. It's so hard because we don't understand, but it's incredible to think about. Thank you for your posts! I really LOVE them! You're incredible!