Saturday, May 31, 2008

"Flowers and Wyatt moments"

We are staying in my parents condo for a week with my sister. We brought over our flower pots so that they wouldn't die while we were gone. This morning was such a beautiful morning so I thought I would get the camera out and take some pictures. Hayley and Emily joined in. How grateful I am for each of my kids! We had fun taking pictures.

I need to record a couple of "Wyatt moments" that have happened. Yesterday we went swimming and there were a lot of people at the pool. There were especially a lot of little baby boys. I'm still struggling at times with seeing other little boys with their moms. I had saved a little tube that Hayley had used when she was a baby and I had planned on using it with Wyatt this summer. There was a baby in that exact little floaty. Well, I was having a very hard moment watching these mothers play and smile and kiss their babies. I started to cry(thank goodness for sunglasses they hide the tears well) and at that very moment a butterfly flew over the pool and hung around. It stayed most of the time we were at the pool. I had the feeling come over me that everything would be all right. Again another of those tender mercies. About a week ago I went visiting teaching. It was one of those very hard days and I did not want to go but I needed to so I bucked up and went. When we got there the girl we were visiting announced that she was pregnant and how excited and happy she was. I was struggling anyway and then to hear all about her little boy she has and then the baby that she is going to have and all the fun clothes she already bought for her baby etc. etc. I was struggling--Well, I looked out into the back yard and there was a butterfly flying around. It stayed by the back door the entire time. I again got the sweet assurance that my Wyatt was aware of me and that it would be ok. How grateful I am for a loving Heavenly Father that knows what I need when I need it. If it's as simple as a butterfly how grateful I am for any of those sweet tender mercies.





Friday, May 30, 2008

"Tears"

Mornings are the hardest for me. I think reality hits me that Wyatt is not here anymore and that I have to go through another day without him. That's when I start praying for help to make it through another day. I then want to look at pictures of him. I worry that his memory might be fading. Then I add more tears to my tear soup. Some days more then others. Don't get me wrong I don't sit around all day crying and looking at pictures but I do shed a few tears here and there.
I have done a lot of reading lately and it has brought me great comfort. There was a question posed in one of the books that I've read. It said: "Is it possible that if one really accepts the gospel and its teachings, one would have no desire to cry? I have wondered because I am crying and continuing to mourn Wyatt's passing that I might be lacking in faith. Why do I continue to cry and mourn? In D&C it reads "Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for them that die."

Brigham Young said: "We should strive to seek knowledge and understanding
through the spirit of the Lord, that our grief and weeping not be uncontrolled.
But we must not lose sight of the fact that we live in this mortal vale of tears
and sorrow. Such tears need not represent a rebellion against the will of the
Lord but only sorrow at being parted from a dear one.

Gordon T. Allred also stated: "Mormons with all their radiant optimism, do not
regard death lightly. Like birth, it is a sacred thing, a matter of profound
significance marking the commencement of a new epoch in human advancement. The
tears shed are real enough, and why pretend that the passing of a loved one or
friend is not the most poignant, the most painful matter of all earthly
experience?.....No, for the most part, the tears that fall do not result from
doubt, hopelessness, or the common supposition of the world that dying is the
ultimate tragedy, the irretrievable loss. Rather, they evidence the natural
feelings of emptiness that accompanies any lengthy separation between people who
have dwelt together in intimate faith and love."

After reading these quotes it has helped me realize that it is normal for me to feel what I'm feeling. My tears are not of doubt , lack of faith or hopelessness but of emptiness from being separated from one of "my every things". Another quote I like from the Liahona states:

"It is right to let our tears flow over the dead. Not to shed them would be
inhuman; and they relieve the pressure on heart and brain."

This has been so true for me. Tears have been therapeutic for me. This life seems really long for me right now, probably because it seems like forever until I will get to hold my sweet baby again and kiss his little cheeks. I don't know how long tears will continue to fall for me but I feel it's part of the healing process and because I have suffered such a great loss I will continue to shed tears for my sweet little Wyatt. I will continue to keep his memory alive for me and for my kids and husband. I feel a great need for that. Maybe, I'm scared that life will go on and he will be forgotten. That is why I continue to put pictures of Wyatt on this blog. I am trying to do my best each day to just breath, live and enjoy this life without my baby. Yesterday while looking through my closet I found this little sweater that Wyatt wore for Christmas. I had to take a moment and cry like I have with all of his things. Oh, how I miss his sweet little face. I know that tears will decrease as time goes on but I hope the memory of him will last with me and my family throughout life. I can almost taste the sweet reunion we will have with Wyatt. What a great day to look forward to!!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

"Remember"




We went to Orem for the weekend. It was great to spend time with family. I need that more than ever. Thank you to everyone for the nice weekend. I needed that break from the grief and sorrow that surrounds me at home. Before we left for Orem me and the kids went to Wyatt's grave and put a pin wheel on and hung some flowers from a hook. It is so weird to me that I'm putting stuff on my little boys grave. It was especially weird when we went to the graves of family members in Orem and Provo and I was there looking for ideas for a head stone for Wyatt. I can't believe this is my life right now. I can't believe he is gone. I miss him so much. I keep having "Wyatt moments" with butterflies. When I'm missing him so much I will see a butterfly. I feel those sweet tender mercies each day. How grateful I am for them. Tonight me and the kids went and put the things that everyone sent home with us on Wyatt's grave. Thank you Mom and Dad, Jill and Allen and Ron and Linda. I think his grave is the most decorated grave at the cemetery. Looking back I am very grateful that we choose the cemetery that we did. I feel we were guided from a loving Heavenly Father on where we should bury him. At first I really didn't care where he was buried because I know where he really is but now I'm so grateful he is buried so close to our house. Heavenly Father knew what I needed. There has been a comfort for me when I've gone there. It's such a beautiful and peaceful place for me. I feel it is sacred ground. It will always be a place as a family that we will gather and "remember" our sweet little boy. Oh, how he is missed.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Wishes by Tyler

I Miss Wyatt So Much. I wish I could Hold Him Again Or Hug and Kiss Him Again. I Wish I Could Be With Him Again And I Know That I Will Be With Him Again. I Can't Wait For These Wishes To Come True. Please Visit My Blog At http://tylarsenfilmsinc.blogspot.com/

Thursday, May 22, 2008

"It just hurts!"




This has been a hard week. Maybe because Wyatt would have been 8 months old yesterday. Maybe because I've been sick. Maybe because we went and bought stuff for his grave. It's been hard! While picking out stuff for Wyatt's grave there were babies at the store about Wyatt's age and that is hard. It hurts to not have him with me anymore. It hurts to see others with what I want so bad. It hurts to think I'm having to decorate my babies grave. IT JUST HURTS! I joined a group about a month ago online. It's a group of people that have lost a child or children at Primary Children's hospital from a heart condition. There are only 12 members at this time. It's been really good for me to see that I'm not the only one suffering right now. It didn't just happen to me. One of the ladies posted this quote yesterday and I really liked it. It says "We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full." Marcel Proust. It hurts to go through this suffering that I'm going through but it's the only way to heal. Another quote I like is "The best way out is always through." How grateful I am to so many wonderful family members and friends. Thank you for your love and support at this time. These are some of the many pictures of Wyatt that I have. I love it because he is chewing on his thumb. He did this all the time. He didn't suck his thumb like I wanted him to but he would chew on it. I remember taking this picture and trying to get one before he would stick his thumb back into his mouth. Oh, how I miss that! I'm glad we get to go to Orem this weekend. My sister gave me a tile with the saying..."Family is being with those that put your heart at ease..." How true that is to me right now.


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Wednesday, May 21, 2008

"Swimming"





We have done a lot of swimming lately. It's been my escape from the house Also, to get away with the kids and spend some time together as a family. I struggle with spending too much time at home because there are memories everywhere I turn of Wyatt. Right now those memories can be painful because I miss him so much. It still doesn't seem real at times that he is gone. I'm doing a little better with being at home now but it's still hard. So, to get away for a little while we go swimming. Thanks again to mom and dad for the use of the condo and pools. Hayley can now swim some on her own. She is a little fish and loves it. She never gets tired of swimming. Tyler enjoys playing basketball in the water with Derek and Emily enjoys jumping in and seeing how far she can swim.











video

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

"Why?"

Sunday Hay got the stomach flu. I then got it yesterday and today. It has brought back all the memories of a year ago when I was pregnant with Wyatt and so, so sick day in and day out throwing up and nauseated month after month. I have asked the question "Why?" a lot lately. Why did I have to go through so much to get him here and then to have him taken? Why us?, Why Wyatt?, Why me?, Why my kids?..... I think this is part of the grieving process and the hard thing about it is that I'm not going to know why until the next life. I just have to trust in my Heavenly Father and know that he knows best for me and my family. I know one answer to the why is "all these things shall give thee experience." I am a different person now and I will be forever different. I know the sorrow, the pain that comes from losing one of "my every things". I have more compassion for people now. I have such a greater love for my Savior now. There are so many things that are different now. I have often asked the question Why Wyatt? Why did he have to go.
I've been comforted by this quote from Joseph Smith he said:

"I have meditated upon the subject, and asked the question, why is it that
infants, innocent children, are taken away from us, especially those that seem
to be the most intelligent and interesting. the strongest reasons that present
themselves to my mind are these.....The Lord takes many away, even in infancy
that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present
world; they were too pure, too lovely to live on earth; therefore, if rightly
considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered
from evil, and we shall soon have them again....The only difference between the
old and the young dying is, one lives longer in heaven and eternal light and
glory then the other, and is freed a little sooner form this miserable, wicked
world. Not withstanding all this glory we for a moment lose sight of it, and
mourn the loss, but we do not mourn as those without hope."

I love this quote! Wyatt is a very special little guy and I feel privileged to be his mom. I can't wait to find out the "Whys?" but until then how grateful I am for the knowledge and peace the gospel gives me and my family. I have attached some of the sweet pictures that were taken at Wyatt's funeral. I love my children and are amazed at the faith they have. I know our family has been blessed and strengthened because of the prayers that have been offered in our behalf. Thank you to so many of you for strenghtening us through your prayers.

At times I didn't think Hayley knew what was happening and still I don't think she fully understands but this sweet picture shows that she will miss her little brother that she shared so much with.



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Sunday, May 18, 2008

"Tear Soup"

Well, the sorrow and grief is back. All day Saturday and today I have felt the heaviness of grief. We swam most of the day Saturday but I just didn't feel like myself like I did on Friday. My sweet friend Stephanie Lyman suggested a picture book for me to read it's titled "Tear Soup". It's a great little book that describes so much of what I'm feeling and going through right now. I'm making a huge pot of tear soup right now. I didn't know I had so many tears in me. I think I have cried everyday since Wyatt died. Thank you to so many of you that have cried with me and adding to my "tear soup." I miss Wyatt so much I can't even describe it or put it into words. Every ounce of my being aches to have him back into my life. He brought such happiness and joy into my life and that is missing now. I am very grateful for Tyler, Emily and Hayley and of course my sweet, understanding and loving husband. I am blessed but that still doesn't take away the pain, sorrow and emptiness I'm feeling right now. I'm sorry this post isn't very upbeat but I just needed to let it out. I miss him too much! I've added some of my favorite pictures of Wyatt.

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"A Good Day"

Friday turned out to be one of the first good days I've had since Wyatt's passing. The heaviness of sorrow and grief lifted for a day and I felt good. I let the kids skip school and we went up the road to Snow Canyon State Park. We are so blessed to have this beautiful park a little ways from our home. It must be butterfly season because they were everywhere which means we felt Wyatt close by. We went on a hike up the red mountains and just enjoyed the beautiful day with flowers and butterflies everywhere. After the hike we went and got sandwiches and went to a park to eat them. Again butterflies everywhere. After playing and swinging at the park we went to a swim party and swam for 3 hours. Thanks Dransfields! And then off to my parents condo to play the wii and watch the Jazz game. Thanks mom and dad for letting us use the condo. It's been a life saver!


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Thursday, May 15, 2008

Everyday life


Everyday since Wyatt's passing I've struggled with everyday life. I miss getting him dressed. He never had an opinion on what he wanted to wear so I got to choose. I miss changing his diapers and feeding him. I miss holding him and trying to make him smile. I miss giving him his baths. I could go on and on with the little things I miss each day. I was telling Derek all this yesterday and crying of course--and Derek commented about how much he missed his smile. Wyatt was always willing to give us a big cheesy grin. I miss seeing the little dimple on his chin when he smiled really big. I've attached a couple of his smiling pictures. As I've missed these things about Wyatt I've really tried to enjoy the moments with my other kids each day. Things that seemed to matter before don't matter that much anymore. I hug my kids so much more now.
Today I was having one of those harder times and started reading a book. I came across this quote by Joseph F. Smith he said:

"Joseph Smith taught the doctrine that the infant child that was laid away in
death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and pointing to the mother
of a lifeless child, he said to her: ' You will have the joy,
the pleasure, and satisfaction of nurturing
this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its
spirit.' There is restitution, there is growth, there is development, after the
resurrection from death. I love this truth. It speaks volume of happiness, of
joy and gratitude to my soul. Thank the Lord he has revealed these principles to
us."

This was quoted at Wyatt's funeral. I continue to gain such hope and joy whenever I hear it. It puts things into perspective for me. Everyday life is hard right now. I don't know how long it's going to be hard but when I get to hear wonderful doctrine like this it helps me make it through one more day without my baby. It gives me great hope for the resurrection when I will hold him and see him smile again.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Music

I can't even express how grateful I have been for music the past 2 months. I've always enjoy music but now there is so much more meaning in it for me. I have found great comfort from so many songs. Many of the Hymns have comforted me and given me added peace and strength. One of my favorites is " I know that my Redeemer lives." It has always been a favorite but now it means so much more...He lives to wipe away my tears... He lives to comfort me when faint..... He lives to hear my souls complaint....He lives and loves me to the end...He lives to calm my troubled heart.... He lives to bless in time of need...He lives and I shall conquer death....He lives my mansion to prepare....He lives to bring me safely there....HE LIVES!!!! How grateful I am for my Savior I know he lives.
Each morning Hay and I try to go walking and I will listen to my i-pod shuffle. Yesterday, I put my i-pod on random and just hoped something would come up that would comfort me. Well, Josh Groben's song "To where you are" came on. It was another of those sweet tender mercies I receive each day. I walked and cried and listened. I've added that song to our blog.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Butterflies

It's been 2 months today that Wyatt passed away. The last day at the hospital they moved him into a private room for us. On the door was a butterfly. At the time I thought it was strange that there would be a butterfly on his door--he is a boy I thought. I also noticed that everyone in the PICU knew what was happening to us. I could see it in their eyes. Come to find out that is how they let everyone know that someone is on their way out of this world.

A few weeks ago Hayley and I were swimming when a very beautiful butterfly came to us. It was a butterfly that I had never seen before. It was big, black and quite amazing. It definitely got our attention. It then flew into "our space". I thought it was going to attack us. After it flew away the thought came to me that it was Wyatt letting us know he is near. Since then I have noticed so many butterflies. Almost everyday there as been a butterfly fly by our car as we are driving, in our back yard or on our morning walks. I now call them my " Wyatt moments." So, the next time you see a butterfly take a second and have a "Wyatt moment" to remember our sweet little boy.




Monday, May 12, 2008

In memory of Wyatt



I've decided to dedicate this blog to Wyatt. I've been inspired by my nieces friend who lost her son a couple of years ago and now has a blog to express her feelings. I'm mostly doing this for me to be able to express how I'm feeling during this difficult time in life. Also, to record the things that Wyatt taught me in his short life on this earth and what he continues to teach me and our family. Each night before scriptures and prayer we sing our family song. As we say Wyatt's name we now ring a silver ball. It helps us remember that he is still a big part of our family. At the end of our song we say "We are a Forever Family".... "No empty Chairs". Wyatt has filled his chair and we are doing all we can to make sure we fill ours.

President Ezra Taft Benson said "God intended the family to be eternal. With all my soul, I testify to the truth of that declaration. May he bless us to strengthen our homes and the lives of each family member so that in due time we can report to our Heavenly Father in His celestial home that we are all there--father, mother, sister, brother, all who hold each other dear. Each chair
is filled. We are all back home."

Looking back to why I came up with this little song we sing each night I wanted to draw our little family closer. Now I can see that it has drawn our family closer and also helped prepare my children for Wyatt's departure from this earth. It has also helped us keep his memory alive. This is another reason I've decided to do this blog. I feel such a need to keep his memory alive. He is still such a big part of our family. How grateful I am to all the wonderful family and friends that have been so supportive to us during this time. Thank you for your prayers and concern for us. How grateful I am for Heavenly Fathers tender mercies. So many of those tender mercies have been fulfilled because of so many of you. Thank you! This picture of Wyatt was the last picture I took of him. I enjoy taking pictures especially of my babies. How grateful I am that I have so many wonderful pictures to remember my little boy by. I cherished every minute I had with him. I'm now feeling cheated that I'm not going to get to enjoy each wonderful stage of his life here on this earth but also know that I will get to hold him and raise him in the millennium. I will get to kiss his little cheeks again, hold his sweet little hand, look into his big eyes and rub his chubby little feet. How grateful I am for our Savior Jesus Christ. Because of him I now have hope that this will happen. I can't wait for the Millennium!! The last two months have been the hardest two months of my life but also the most spiritual. My heart has a big hole in it and their is a big void in my life now. A part of me has died. It is hard to get up each morning knowing that Wyatt really is gone and that I have to go through another day without him. I'm hoping that being able to write down the feelings and things I'm going through might help those that don't know what to say or how it is when someone goes through something like this. I can tell you right now that all I've wanted the past two months is a hug and maybe "how are you doing" and then a listening ear. Thank you to so many of you that have done just that. So many other people just don't know what to say they just ignore me or avoid me or act like nothing has happened to me. I'm hoping that by expressing the feeling of my heart that it might help someone else know what to say or do when a tragedy like this happens. The sorrow and mourning that I feel each day is so real. It is very painful but something I have to go through. How grateful I am for my sweet little Hayley. She has been there for me each day to just say "you miss Wyatt?" and to comfort me. She says "Wyatt is coming back to life." my daddy says. How grateful I am for Emily and Tyler. These kids are everything to me along with my sweet husband. There was a time in my life that I didn't know if I would get married. Because I had to wait so long I think I cherish my husband even more. I think that is how it is going to be when I finally get to hold Wyatt again. I can't wait until that day!